Ep. #188: Leadership, Attachment Styles & Emotional Safety with Nima Rahmany
The way we lead is not only shaped by strategy, experience, or personality.
It is also shaped by how safe we feel inside ourselves.
In this episode of The Energy Fix, Tansy sits down with Nima Rahmany, a nervous system and attachment specialist, for a powerful conversation about leadership, trauma responses, emotional safety, and the attachment patterns that quietly shape how we relate to others.
Together, they explore how unresolved childhood experiences can influence adult leadership behaviors, conflict patterns, relationship dynamics, communication, and self-trust. Nima explains how attachment styles are formed, why high-performing individuals often mask emotional wounds with success, and how nervous system responses can drive behavior before we even realize what is happening.
This conversation goes deep into the four distress responses — fight, flight, freeze, and fawn — with a special focus on fawning and how it can show up as people-pleasing, over-functioning, resentment, and disconnection from self.
Nima also shares why mindset work alone is often not enough to heal attachment wounds and why somatic work, self-repair, and nervous system awareness are essential parts of creating healthier relationships and more authentic leadership.
This episode is a reminder that real leadership is not just about managing others.
It is about knowing yourself well enough to stop leading from old survival patterns.
Listen & Watch
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What We Cover
In this episode, we talk about:
How emotional safety shapes the way we lead
The connection between unresolved trauma and leadership behavior
Why attachment styles matter in leadership and relationships
How childhood caregiver availability influences adult relational patterns
Anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and the need for connection or distance
Why high performers often mask attachment wounds with success
The four distress responses: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn
How fawning can become people-pleasing, resentment, and self-abandonment
Why leadership dynamics can create repeated conflict loops
How nervous system responses influence communication and decision-making
Why every behavior can be understood as an unconscious strategy for regulation
Why mindset work alone is not enough for deeper healing
How somatic work helps address the body’s response to trauma
The importance of self-repair in healing attachment wounds
How changing the meaning we assigned to past experiences can support healing
Practical ways to begin recognizing your body’s responses and relational patterns
Key Takeaways
The way we lead is influenced by our emotional safety
Trauma responses can show up in leadership, communication, and conflict
Fawning is a survival response that can lead to resentment and self-disconnection
Attachment styles are often formed through early caregiver availability
Anxious attachment seeks connection, while avoidant attachment tends to withdraw
High performers may use success to mask emotional wounds
Relationships often reflect the relationship we have with ourselves
Nervous system regulation is essential for emotional safety
Self-awareness helps interrupt unhealthy relational patterns
Mindset work alone may not reach the body-based roots of attachment wounds
Somatic work can support healing by working with the body’s learned responses
Self-repair is a crucial part of changing old attachment patterns
Healing requires noticing the meanings we created from past experiences
Real change begins with awareness of the body, the nervous system, and the self
Favorite Quotes
A few moments you’ll want to remember:
“The way that we lead is shaped by safety.”
“Trauma isn’t what happens to us, it’s inside of us.”
“Fawning is a performative act for survival.”
“Everybody is fawning and they can’t tell.”
“We teach what we most need to learn.”
“Attachment patterns show up in how we lead.”
“Attachment styles are developed in childhood.”
“The anxious attachment style always wants connection.”
“Healing is about resolving the meaning we made out of it.”
“Real leadership asks us to know ourselves.”
Chapters
02:02 – How Attachment Wounds Influence Leadership
04:21 – Nervous System Activation and Trauma Responses
07:04 – The Fawn Response and Survival Patterns
09:23 – Recognizing Trauma Responses in Daily Life
12:09 – The Cost of Fawning and People-Pleasing
14:37 – Self-Responsibility, Healing & Rewiring
16:25 – Epigenetics and Inherited Wounds
23:45 – Nima’s Journey from Chiropractic to Trauma Healing
38:49 – Attachment Patterns and Leadership Dynamics
43:18 – Rewiring Attachment Styles for Healthier Leadership
54:30 – Recognizing Nervous System Signals in Real Time
01:02:06 – Practical Steps for Healing Attachment Wounds
Why This Episode Matters
Because leadership is never just about what we do. It is about what we carry into the room.
Our old patterns can show up as:
needing everyone to be okay before we feel okay
avoiding conflict until resentment builds
over-explaining, over-giving, or over-functioning
shutting down when conversations feel too emotionally charged
chasing achievement while ignoring emotional wounds
confusing control, pleasing, or withdrawal with leadership
And the hardest part? Many of these patterns do not feel like trauma responses when we are inside of them. They can feel like responsibility. They can feel like being “the strong one.” They can feel like being helpful, productive, calm, agreeable, or in control.
This episode matters because Nima brings language, compassion, and clarity to the invisible nervous system patterns that shape how we lead, love, communicate, and repair. He reminds us that self-awareness is not about blaming the past…It’s about recognizing what your body learned to do to survive, understanding the meaning you made from those experiences, and choosing a new way forward.
Because real leadership asks us to know ourselves…honestly!
About Nima Rahmany
Nima Rahmany is a nervous system and attachment specialist helping high-performing individuals, couples, and families heal relational wounds and become trigger-proof in love, leadership, and connection. Formerly a chiropractor, he now guides clients through somatic and shadow integration to interrupt unconscious relational patterns and create emotionally safe, co-regulated relationships. His work blends neuroscience, polyvagal theory, and transformational coaching to help people build more secure, authentic connections.
Links Mentioned In The Show
Website & Leadership Quiz: https://go.drnima.com/0athq
FB: @nrahmany
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Support Beyond The Episode
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If this episode resonated, take a moment to ask yourself:
Where might an old survival pattern be shaping the way I lead, love, or communicate?
The patterns that once protected you may not be the patterns that help you lead, connect, and live in the way you truly want now.
If you enjoyed this conversation, follow or subscribe to The Energy Fix, leave a review, and share this episode with someone who may be ready to understand the deeper connection between emotional safety, leadership, and healing.
Transcript
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Nima Rahmany (00:00.118)
The high performer can hide behind money, performance, recognition, metrics. At work, they can be balls to the wall, going crazy, crushing it. And they're able to fawn. They're able to people please, especially in a corporate structure where they are great leaders because there's a corporate structure and rules. And they're such good people, good boys, good little boys, good little girls. So they know how to play by the rules and play the game.
And so they they super duper excel in the corporate and then they go off into their own. And then they realize, wow, I don't have a mommy and daddy corporation that I can appease and it's all on me. And so their attachment wounds come up when they realize that, my gosh, like I feel like a little child in this big world. I thought I'm a leader in in the corporate world. I'm a fish out of water. Or
Nima Rahmany (01:05.816)
Welcome back to the Energy Fix, a podcast dedicated to help you balance your energetic body by diving deep into the sweet world of all things health and spirituality. My name's Tansy, and I'm an intuitive Crystal Reiki energy healer, energetic nutrition and holistic health practitioner, and a crystal jewelry designer. It's time to talk all things energy. Let's dive in.
Nima Rahmany (01:34.9)
Welcome back to the Energy Fix Podcast. Thank you so much for being here again with us today. Today, we're going to be talking all about leadership, but more from an angle that's really diving deep underneath that usual chat of strategy, productivity, or communication. The way that we lead, my friends, the way that we lead is so often shaped by how safe that we feel in our connections.
How we handle pressure, how we respond to feedback, how we really repair conflict, how we even ask for what we need, and especially how we react when someone disappoints us, challenges us, or pulls away. And a lot of those patterns, they are not random. They're so often tied to things like attachment wounds, nervous system responses.
Old relational templates that have really followed us throughout our entire life and into our current relationships, businesses, teams, and leadership roles that we have decided to take on. My guest today is Nima Rahmany a nervous system and attachment specialist who helps high-performing individuals, couples, and families heal relational wounds and become more emotionally safe in love.
leadership and connection. His work blends neuroscience, polyvagal theory, somatic work, shadow integration, and transformational coaching to help people really interrupt that unconscious relational patterning and create more secure, authentic connection. We're going to be diving deep into how unresolved attachment styles impact leadership.
And what exactly you can do to start shifting and changing it all. All right, Nima, let's dive in. Welcome to the show. Good to be here, Tansy. We are going to really just get right into it. I want to start with a concept that I feel that people feel wholeheartedly in real life. And that is,
Nima Rahmany (03:57.494)
When a leader is under pressure and subtly becomes controlling, avoidant, defensive, people-pleasing, or maybe even shut down in the situation, what is actually, from your perspective, what is actually happening underneath the surface? What's happening underneath the surface is, you know, they
in a clinical setting it's called a trauma response. And I wanna start by saying that trauma isn't what happens to us. It's what's happening inside of us without a when we were especially when we were younger, without an empathetic witness to help us process and bring us back into safety. So if my five year old, you know, he does something and I raise my voice a little and he kinda clenches and braces and goes a little bit like frozen.
His nervous system is activated. but because I understand the nervous system and trauma responses, what that's basically what's happening inside him is a big activation. And because I understand that, I can sit with him afterwards within a few minutes, and then bring his and then witness him while he processes that. So his nervous system kind of like his prefrontal cortex and his his kind of like
Executive centers can come back online. But unfortunately, most of us often didn't have parents that understood the nervous system. So these activations that would happen, they get locked and stored in the body and they haven't metabolized or they haven't been what's called repaired, right? So it one on top of another accumulates.
And over time we are we become an accumulation of unresolved trauma responses. So now in adulthood, it's no surprise when you're, you know, leading a team and somebody raises their voice a little. And then you you go through one of the four trauma responses. You go through fight, which is fighting back, escalating and pushing back, flight, which is running away, like withdrawing, or
Nima Rahmany (06:12.706)
You know, when you're anxious attached, you're running towards. So the flight response is what often leaders are like in this go, go, go, go, go. That's actually the flight response. the then there's the the freeze, which basically it's like what I just described with my five-year-old when if I were to he's does something and he he basically, you know, destroys destroys the furniture. I raise my voice a little bit.
And he goes into this freeze. It's kind of like this bracing where the body goes into this protective kind of shutdown or collapse. and then there's what's called the fawn response, which is kind of like an appeasement. I I like to use my son as an example because I watch him and I'm like, my gosh, these are the trauma responses in action. So when I'm when when mom is at girls' night,
And it's me and me and my son, and we're playing and we're just running around and we're rough housing. And then all of a sudden I get to be the monster and I'm chasing him around the house. And then he has this one moment where he realizes, shit, mom's not here to save me. And he he all of a sudden stops running, turns around and goes, I love you. I love you. But you could see he's activated and what he's doing, and I was just when he does that.
When he does that, I'm like, my God, that's so sweet. That's the fawn response. What it is is that the predator, we appease and we soften and we charm and we placate and appease what we perceive to be our predator, so that it can calm the nervous system of that predator down and then it saves your life. So in in a in a office setting, what that looks like is placating your boss, is having them.
Chew you out, but you just smile and you know, nod, or the hospitality worker who's being like completely verbally abused and then smile or the waiter and smiling, but bracing inside. So that's the the freeze response. So how do they show up? Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. If you look carefully, you will see it every single day, if not week, in your business, in your leadership.
Nima Rahmany (08:24.554)
And we don't really understand it. We don't know the mechanism, but it's happening at an unconscious level. And the way that we work, the way that we direct our attention towards it is by looking at the body. So there is a bracing. The nervous system posture will show up as kind of like a bracing or a clenching. It will show up as a fading or a withdrawing. It will show up as kind of like a push force, grind,
Or collapse where you just kind of like shut down. So it shows up every single day in the body and and it's beneath our conscious awareness. But you know an hour later, two hours later where you look back and you go, God damn, I can't believe I reacted that way. That's the trauma response. And it shows up in our parenting, it shows up in our relationships and it shows up in leadership at work. Okay, Nima, a few questions here for you. First.
You talked about fawning. And to me, that really sounds so close to masking. So what is the difference between fawning and maybe a temporarily mask situation? Or are they one and the same? Give me an example. What do you mean? Yeah. So when you talked about the waiter, for example, and that waiter is bracing on the inside, but on the outside, they're smiling and just keeping it all
Okay and good so that they can get through that that client that they're having, right? That customer. Correct. So so what's the difference there if they're fawning versus if they are just putting that smile on to mask it for the time being until they can get those people out away from their table? You just nailed it. there's no difference. Fawning fawning requires you to freeze an aspect of yourself.
part of you that is like F you, don't F and talk to me that way. That part will get you fired. So you have to freeze that part of you. And then you but you and then the next part is the performance. So the mask or the performance. Fawning is a performative act and it is a protective mechanism for survival. So this happens in sexual situations. I mean, how many, how many women
Nima Rahmany (10:48.216)
Who listen to this podcast can look back in their lives and they said yes to having sex with a boy growing up because they wanted him to like her. Not because they wanted to, but because they wanted to. They didn't want to be, they didn't want to displease the person. That's called sexual fawning. So it's very insidious and it's a trauma response. It's it's a performative, performative consent that we signal.
When our body is saying no. And so that break between what we perform and what our somatic truth is, that's self-abandonment and it creates and breeds resentment. And this is the foundation of codependency. So when in codependent relationships, you have one that's always the the driver, the doer, the taker, and then one who cast has to kind of like shrink themselves.
In order to keep the relationship going. And over time, that builds resentment, both towards the other person that you're fawning against and towards yourself. This is the insidious part is that you can't fawn without resentment. And often the resentment is against yourself. And that self-attack over time breeds inflammation. And this is why almost
Every single person who has an autoimmune disorder is also a fauner.
Nima Rahmany (12:17.634)
I am over here. I'm di like there's there's so many questions of so many things running through my head. And I'm over here just laughing because I'm seeing I'm seeing how many people who am I talking about? How many family members am I referring to right now? How many people in your life? Maybe yourself. I right, right, for sure. I was but I'm seeing patterns and I'm seeing cycles. I mean, my gosh, I can't stop thinking about how leadership performative performative roles. Everybody's fawning. Yeah.
Everyone's fawning and is really stuck in this trauma loop. Everybody is fawning and they can't tell, and that's why they're exhausted. There is a cost to fawning. So if you're waiting tables and you're fawning all day, at the end of the day, you are exhausted. You can't perform. It's not sustainable to perform. And some people are doing that in their relationships. And then the holidays that are coming that that come up.
You know, you're you're you're performing and then afterwards you get sick. You know, the body, the body's exhaustion, it breaks down the life force energy basically is saying, enough, enough of the performance. I need to separate. And because we're not good at boundarying ourselves, we say yes when our body says no. the body breaks down and becomes the boundary. Health, health symptoms are not are not illnesses.
They are the body's attempt to create boundaries when we don't do it ourselves, when we don't have the courage, because deep down inside, if I say my truth, I'm gonna be rejected. So pr to protect myself from external rejection, I end up rejecting myself. And then the health starts to fall apart. We go to different doctors looking for external things and autoimmune problems, health issues. And then when, you know, when people kind of find me.
And they're like, I've tried everything. And I'm like, I know, I I believe you. This is the path. And so as you learn how to expand your capacity to be disliked, as you learn to speak your truth, have someone disagree and still hold, be able to hold yourself, as you learn to be able to set those boundaries and say no, all of a sudden it's initially terrifying. But as you move in that direction, the body no longer has to be that boundary for you. So now
Nima Rahmany (14:37.89)
You piss people off, but now you have your health back. And so that's the trade-off that many people are not willing to take. So they keep going to doctors and getting all sorts of external treatments, not realizing that it's a skill that and a muscle that they haven't yet developed. That's what I love to learn. That's why I love teaching people how to become trigger-proof. If you're listening to this podcast episode, there is a really good chance that you're the person who holds a lot.
And sometimes the issue isn't that you need more information. Sometimes you need your system to feel safe enough to actually integrate what you already know. That's what my soul stream and enlightened sessions are for. They're intuitive, energy-based sessions designed to help you recalibrate emotionally, energetically, physically, and in your nervous system.
So you can move through life with more clarity and less internal noise. People book these when they're feeling stuck, overloaded, anxious, emotionally heavy, or like their energy isn't fully theirs anymore. And we work with that. We work with what's present, clear what's been lingering, and help you come back to center in a way that feels grounded and real. If you want to book a session or you want to simply know more.
You can head on over to tansyrogers.com or jump down into the show notes and click the link that will take you directly to those services. And if you're not sure which session is the right fit, send me a message. I'll help you choose. I'll help to guide you in the right direction. All right, let's jump back into this episode. I want to go back to something you said earlier. You talked about
Parents, you know, grow a child growing up with parents who may not know how to regulate the nervous system. How much do you feel that epigenetics actually plays a role when our parents may not know how to do this skill? epigenetics, it's like you know, my father's narcissism is a a genetic thing type of thing. Let's say is it like kind of like how much do his genes well epigenetic
Nima Rahmany (16:55.144)
Yeah, like how much does his genes, how much does how much does that energy of that he that he has created within himself then transfer into that child through birth?
I believe that the trauma transfers into the yes from birth. like for example, you know, from birth or it's there's tons of evidence that show the the wounding that our parents carry translate down into into the next generation. there is definitely evidence I am positive, even though I'm not a researcher, I'm not an expert in that.
Translates down, but we're talking about relational skills. You know, it's it's a skill like being able to take feedback and criticism without suffering from a narcissistic injury. You can't blame genes on that. It's kind of the same way you can't blame the fact that I suck at golf on genetics, right? It's a skill that that one must attend to and learn.
the same way that we would learn how to drive, the same way that we would learn you know, public speaking. relationship skills, nervous system regulation skills, our ability to contain and regulate our emotions is a practice skill. Now, depending on the trauma that I've care I've carried growing up, if I was, you know, separated from my mother at, you know, at the age of two, it means that I have a wound there.
Which will get activated. So, you know, do we and and why did that happen? Well, because we we we had to flee Iran before the revolution happened. And so can we, you know, can we do we blame my dad for that? It's there's no I don't believe that epigenetics really needs to be in the conversation of nervous system regulation.
Nima Rahmany (19:08.364)
Because we all start at a baseline and we're all carrying some sort of wounding that we inherited. You're sitting here and you inherited a bunch of crap from your family. So did I. And it's not about blaming anything. It's about saying, okay, here we are today. How does this show up in my life? Well, if somebody shares their emotions with me or they have critical feedback.
I'd always turn it around on them and I make them wrong. That's my issue to work on because it's going to start alienating me from people. And so we don't know to look at them until we have breakdowns. Breakdowns in marriage, breakdowns in relationship. we don't pay attention to to these issues until there's a wake up call.
And the most wake-up calls that that will show up, especially with high performers, that you gotta look out for, that we need to address it internally rather than blaming our ancestors, is the most common one. I just saw a case yesterday, which which is high performer, CEO, CFO, really successful, but shitty in marriage, divorce, several relationships. And then he founds this amazing person and then
And then cheats on her. And it's just like, why did I sabotage this? Why did I ruin such a good thing? Your inability to sit still without having to push and move forward. There's just no effing chill in your system. You just can't sit still. This constant need to drive, this constant need to prove, which I'm talking about myself here. Now, I got that because of my relationship with my dad.
And the way the reason why he was like that was because of growing up where he did, and his mother died at 13 and left him severely wounded and frozen at 13. So when he gets angry and activated, he becomes verbally abusive. Right. So he's a wonderful human, but that's what happens. And it's not epigenetics, it's unresolved wounding. And at the at that, it's it's it's this is what it is, is.
Nima Rahmany (21:27.702)
My relationships aren't working. I don't feel safe in my body. I'm not connected to a purpose greater than myself. I'm constantly chasing after the next thing. Where within me is the wound that's driving all of this? And I'm gonna take responsibility for learning how to rewire it. Well, I think you just hit the nail on the head. It's about taking the responsibility. It doesn't really matter where it came from, does it?
It really doesn't. It really doesn't. Thank you. Yeah. It really doesn't. It it matters to it matters if you are standing there and saying, you know what, I'm gonna take control or not. I mean, you have that choice, right? But like it do yes, there is some value, I think, with under with with looking at where the foundational root is coming from, of course. And can't be a victim to our genes. Exactly. Exactly. Right, right. Stop playing victim to our genes.
Even if we have a genetic predisposition to something through family history, what's more interesting to me is what else do we inherit from family other than our genes? The way that we react to stress, the way that we interact and engage with reality itself. Yeah. Our contextual framework of what we b who we believe we are and our identity.
Plays a huge role in how we respond to reality. And that's what we inherit. And that we have actual control over. We can shift and look and see, wow, this is the identity I inherited. That I'm we're poor people and we don't deserve this is not for us. And that becomes it's not a genetic flaw. That's an identity kind of like install in the in the hardware.
That good news, once you learn the system, you can rewire it. You can undo and install a new software in the old hardware. Yeah. Yeah. Well, all right. Nima, I want to talk a little bit about you. You started as a chiropractor and now work with attachment, nervous system healing, and relational patterning. So what happened along the way? Yeah. How the hell do we go from that? Yeah.
Nima Rahmany (23:45.942)
What made you realize what you needed to step into where the real pain that people were carrying was coming from? And it wasn't just physical. We teach what we most need to learn. Is that not true, Tansy? Of course it is. And so it's why I'm here doing this work. I believe it. And so here I am. This you know, starting off with this really deep wound of separation from my mother at the age of two, which I didn't remember.
But I have a twin brother who wasn't separated from her for a few months. And that kind of informed and shaped who I am and what I believed about myself. And what I believed was that the feminine is not always there. I wasn't loved, and the feminine is not always there. So it led to this identity, which became completely obsessed and preoccupied with getting validation, right? Validation from the feminine.
and so when I discovered chiropractic, I had a chiropractic adjustment at the age of 13. I got up off the table and I'm like, holy cow, I can make people feel this good in a matter of minutes. I'm sold. And I went all in to become a doctor of chiropractic. And it worked. Every, you know, I graduated and people, this guy's got magic hands. I would salsa dance, this whole doctor. And I created this.
Dr. Nima character and I was very theatrical because, hey, look at me. see me, look at me, because I I felt not seen and not heard. So the based on that wound, I I literally built my entire career and framework and identity based on a wound that I'm not loved and that I have to prove myself and I need to be seen and heard and validate. So so here I am, Dr. Nima, and then I then it in intimate relationships.
I get married and we get divorced and several failed relationships afterwards, where it was always about, you know, chasing after. And and so when you're living from that wound of I'm not enough, what happens is you start to show up and and and you see human beings as tools to extract from. Right. So
Nima Rahmany (26:05.174)
So the way that I showed up with women was I must extract validation from women because I'm not enough. And I'm sure many of the women listening have dated guys like me where it's completely narcissistic, where they feel used, used. And then once we get what we want, then we discard, you know? And so I just that's how I showed up in relationships after my divorce. And and then I met this this one person.
who completely kind of like had me seeing these shadows up close and center. And as I was and I really, you know, loved the fact that as I'm seeing my chiropractic, while simultaneously as I'm seeing my chiropractic patients, I'm doing all of this personal development to deal with this unconscious anxiety of this, this separation from myself, and unconscious wounding. And I
decide to leave chiropractic. And at that time I met this really amazing woman who saw my work online and she was like, hey, what have you done with our mentor's work? Because we I studied under John D. Martini and learned his tools to balance out perceptions. And I thought it was super brilliant. I was ready to leave my chiropractic practice and we start a relationship. And I didn't really know what codependency was. I didn't know what a trauma bond was.
I was a master at take taking people from their past, their stories of victimhood, turning it around, turning it into love and gratitude, and then having them drop the emotional baggage. But what I didn't know, and I hadn't been trained at the time, was what happens in the moment when I get triggered? What happens in a relational dynamic when she is coming at me hard and I'm looking and I'm seeing my mother?
And suddenly I'm no longer a doctor who's an adult. I'm an 18-year-old that's in this FU energy. And then I react. And so our arguments were this volatile push and pull dynamic, which on March 11th, 2018, this is about three and a half years into our relationship. after an argument, we just finished teaching a seminar over a weekend with.
Nima Rahmany (28:26.2)
twenty people who flew in from around the world to learn this methodology. And that night, every every weekend on these, on these weekend workshops, her anxious attachment would show up. She would always feel threatened, which is part of her codependency and wounding and love addiction. She always felt like I was gonna leave. And so she would get super duper aggressive and controlling, and that would bring up my mother wounds. And so it would just escalate. And on March eleventh, twenty eighteen, after
20 people we helped them through two at two in the morning, in a moment of absolute rage, I snapped and I slapped her. And in that moment, it was like, holy crap, I'm an intelligent guy and these hands are used to heal. How do these hands that are used to heal hurt the woman that he's supposed to love? And so I committed to saying, okay, how did this happen? How can I make sure this never happens again?
And if I can do one and two, can I have a secure relationship? Cause there was never, I was never in after my divorce, I was like, I'm never getting married again. I just was using women for my own, you know, my own needs. And I was just like bitter and I was feeling victimized and I was just a dream to be in a relationship with. And her anxious attachment, all she wanted was some sort of security and stability.
She had a she was formerly a sex worker and she really wanted to move into something. She was a madam for a sex working company and she owned that and she really wanted to move out of that and have some sort of kind of like security, which is what it's norm any any normal woman would. but I was just never gonna be that for her. And so this push and pull,
Caused me to go, all right, what's going on? And I started studying attachment theory. And I was like, I'm an avoidant. I started studying parts work and inner child work and somatic experiencing and shadow work. And I was like, and then I learned that all of my personal development work that I was doing was an unconscious attempt to avoid my feelings, to gaslight my feelings and just like rise above them, kind of like a cognitive bypass. So I did the most
Nima Rahmany (30:46.732)
scariest thing, which was to go on a feminine cleanse, cut off all attempts to externally validate myself, because I did I kind of define my sense of worth based on people saying, Nima, you're such a great chiropractor. he's so good. He's such a great speaker. He's so this or by women kind of validating me. And so as I as I cut that off and I realized how empty and hollow I felt without that external validation.
I was like, my God, I don't really love myself. And I and I decided that I wasn't going to come back and speak or say anything until I learned how to fill those gaps in the floorboard that I never really did. And I used all of my achievement and drive and push in order to avoid. And w women, you know, all of my relationships weren't based on a mutual connection. It was based on
them validating me. And I was like, no wonder. Here I am in my mid 40s. My brother has my twin brother. He's got a beautiful dental practice. He's got a wife and two beautiful children. And I'm sitting here by myself in Christmas with my dog. And I committed on, I remember it was it was December of 2018. It was just me and my dog and I had just rented out my condo in on Airbnb and I moved in to kind of rented a room at at the my friend's place.
And I just looked in the mirror and I said, something here has got to change. I can't go next Christmas in this situation. And so I just dove in and I learned how to, I learned how to love all those parts of me that I had abandoned. And the whole concept of becoming trigger proof was born. And now, you know, a year later, after that Christmas, I had already met my partner.
by the following Christmas, 2020, we have a we had a two month old son. So we got married April of twenty twenty, and then we had Dominic in September of twenty twenty. And then a week a week after Dominic was born, I was arrested. So my ex had retroactively kind of decided to file that. And so over the last six years, a week since he was born, and so it's now August of 2026.
Nima Rahmany (33:10.678)
I've been in active litigation to break free from the trauma bond. One of the things that were really stopping me from leaving sooner was because I knew that after that incident happened, there was a potential that, you know, if I didn't go all in in the relationship, that she would, you know, she had alluded that if I, you know, leave, then she's gonna file a police report. So it was a terrifying year in 2019 that I
almost considered taking my life. And so, you know, now that I'm here and I'm literally free, almost completely free of of that trauma bond. And I have an amazing family, amazing wife, amazing son who's about to go into his first grade. I have a community of people and I tell them my story and they see themselves in it in some fashion. And I just teach them how to I teach them what I wish that I learned before.
That would have suffered that would have saved me from a lot of pain and suffering that I've gone through, and that I'm committed to teaching my son so that he has relationships that are secure and that he doesn't abandon himself for external validation because I'm filling those needs for him. And I'm my parents gave me everything that they could, and I'm giving my son what they couldn't. So that's essentially why I do what I do. What was the
greatest needle mover for you from 2018, Christmas of 2018, to when you got married in April of 2020, that allowed you to shift and change how you interacted and shifted the relationship with with that woman, with a woman. Do you know what I mean? With with women. Yeah. Yeah. With women. Well, I ha essentially what was the greatest shift was the relationship with myself.
So my all of my relationships out there were a were a reflection of my relationship with myself. I was carrying a lot of shame. And so the success, and this is the problem with high performers, the success and the you know, the money and fame or whatever recognition that we get is a cover-up that says, see, look, I am worthy. So it's built on a wound.
Nima Rahmany (35:33.184)
And so when that, all of that external was taken away, all of those distractions from the wound were taken away. All I was left was was the wound. And I'm sitting here just by myself, Christmas of 2018, going, I have nobody around me. And so I think I think there's a moment where you have to hit rock bottom where a man, especially, men are we're a little bit thick headed this way in that
You know, I didn't want to address it. All of my team were like, Nema, this relationship is not this is not sustainable. They would say it again and again, this is not sustainable. But I wasn't listening and I couldn't listen because I was too busy like milk in the gravy train, as I would say it. But until a man hits rock bottom and really sees the impact of his unconsciousness and feels this deep pit of shame, he's not gonna take action because
In order to take action and in order to heal, we must look at the parts of ourselves that we use success to avoid. So it takes a an insane amount of courage that people don't just wake up on a Wednesday and go, huh, maybe I should integrate my shadows. Unfortunately, you got to wait for the health crisis, you got to wait for the b betrayal, you got to wait for the affair, you got to wait for the financial collapse, you got to wait for the being laid off. Where now,
Everything that you're using to distract yourself from the wound is gone and now you're left with it. And you're like, what do I do? And so that's the courageous path of of becoming a cycle breaker and and learning how to, you know, individuate from the little child that adapted with this character to not to to to to to cope with his feelings of unworthiness. And so this is everybody's hero's journey. So we all have
have a what caused it is some inciting incident. One thing that happens that says, I can't go back from this. And so that's essentially what it was. It started from the slap in March 11th, 2018, where I really had to look and go, It's gotten this bad. Like how did it get this bad? And it kept that was in March. And I kept trying to hold on and and and maybe try to work out the relationship. And it kept devolving, devolving, devolving, devolving until Christmas where I was like, okay.
Nima Rahmany (37:55.424)
And so I just stopped doing the things. The problem with entrepreneurs and high performers is we can always jump to the next project and build something to avoid the pain. But it just keeps accumulating. So there's there's a gift of surrendering into the the abyss of the rock bottom that helps wake us up. And if it wasn't for that, I wouldn't be here. So I would have still kept riding the gravy train because I would do
You know, what is it Carl Jung says is people will do anything, however absurd, to avoid facing their own soul. Yeah. Wow. Well, I want to take these attachment styles, your journey and understanding these attachment styles and talk about them in context with leadership. Because you talked about your attachment and separation wounds with your mom and how that and the feminine and how that really shifted and the the struggles, the wounds.
That you experienced. But I feel that so many people don't really think about this context when it comes to leadership. So can you explain how attachment patterns show up in the way that we lead and communicate and make decisions and really handle conflict as a leader, regardless if it is in your job or the leader of your household, right? Yeah. Yeah. So attachment styles are.
developed in childhood based on the availability emotionally and physically and consistency of our primary caregivers, mom and dad. And so when mom is really inconsistent, especially mom, mom, especially in the first four or five years, are just it's just so critical. it's not always everybody's like, we're I it
My clients are like, is it always mom's fault? It's like, no, it's just the role of mom is so critical. That when mom is dysregulated or not available, the child experiences that inconsistency and and feels that the only way that they can get attention is by acting out, is by pushing, is by pushing to connect. So the anxious attachment style always
Nima Rahmany (40:10.152)
When in in distress wants connection. Okay. The avoidant, if you were raised in an environment where the expression of your emotions never led to soothing or comfort or regulation, you learn as a child that I'm just going to go off and be a little island by myself. When things are big, emotions are big, I just gonna withdraw. I got to isolate, I gotta put up walls because what's the point?
It never really helped me. so I I shaped you shape into an individual that adapts when they get dysregulated by going off into a corner. Okay. Now what's in and the disorganized or fearful avoidant is the one who's got one foot on the gas, one foot on the brake. It's got a little bit of both where they want connection from their parent, but the parent was maybe dangerous, right? Or harmful. So
They have this push and this pull and they they freeze a lot and they dissociate. So this this poses a problem because in leadership or in relationship or anywhere, when a conflict happens, one of the parties oftentimes these two these two are partnered together, Tansy. So you if you're an anxious, you're gonna
partner with an avoidant. And so when you're anxious and there's an argument that happens, the avoidant is like, I gotta F off and just be by myself. And the anxious is like, no, no, no, no, no. we need to handle this now. And they're like, get away from me. And it pushes away, which causes them to push harder, which causes them to push away. And that's called the infinite loop of doom. And so this can happen at the workplace. This can happen anywhere. So this, this
Tansy Rodgers (41:40.738)
What about, what about,
Nima Rahmany (41:58.882)
The one that wants space, one always wants space and freedom, the other one always wants connection. And so the relationship dynamic is very complicated because, and here's the other complicated part: is we all have a part that has that fear of abandonment, that has this push energy, that anxious attachment. And we have the part of us that has this fear of being engulfed and overwhelmed, which is where we have the avoidance.
So we have one part that's the fear of abandonment, one part that's the fear of engulfment, which drives our avoidance. And when these are energies within us. And so when if I'm I'm I'm usually you know, a secure person where you know you can be a secure person until you're with somebody who's avoidant, which will activate your anxious attachment and you'll want more connection, which will cause them to avoid more. And so
This becomes an infinite loop of doom, which escalates and they go back and forth and creates power struggles in leadership dynamics, in workplace dynamics, in especially in intimate relationships. And it's just a cluster, cluster F. And the good news is it can be rewired if you're committed to self-regulating and communicating and becoming trigger proof.
Yeah. Well, why do you think though that high performing people often miss their attachment wound? Because as you're talking, I'm like, I know this person, I see this couple, I know this dynamic. I remember when I was in this work situation, that was these people, right? It's so common, but why do you think that maybe it goes missed by the actual individual that is experiencing it? The high performer can hide behind money.
performance recognition metrics. at work, they can be balls to the wall, going crazy, crushing it, and they're able to fawn, they're able to people please, especially in a corporate structure where they are great leaders because there's a corporate structure and rules, and they're such good people, good boys, good little boys, good little girls.
Nima Rahmany (44:17.078)
So they know how to play by the rules and play the game. And so they, they super duper excel in the corporate and then they go off into their own. And then they realize, wow, I don't have a mommy and daddy corporation that I can appease and it's all on me. And so their attachment wounds come up when they realize that, my gosh, like I feel like a little child in this big world with, you know, with I thought I'm a leader in in the in the corporate world, but in, you know, the
Private sector, when I'm running my own business and I have to be the boss and I don't answer to anybody, I'm the one, I'm the one running things. I'm a fish out of water. Or they're great in the workplace and at home, see, and the workplace, their attachment wounds aren't activated often because people will say things like, you know, like,
I don't understand. I could take feedback at work. I can lead people. People don't like me. And I'm like, okay, that's fine. And I don't really take it personally. And I'm able to see them walk away and go. But in intimate relationships, I am an epic disaster. I turn into this weakling. I turn into this like needy little child. What's going on? And the answer is in intimate relationships after the three month to eighteen month mark.
That's when the attachment hooks are in. So you're not actually showing up as an adult. You're showing up as the child self. Your amygdala is taking over. Whereas in the workplace, the intimacy isn't there. So you're actually working as as the executive. They call it executive. These are the executive functions of the brain. In intimacy, when you're, you know, when your partner pulls away, you're no your executive center is no longer working. You are now the child, even if you're like a seven-figure.
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Nima Rahmany (46:38.872)
More reactive or foggy or anxious, or like you're just not bouncing back the way that you used to. And that's why I'm a big believer in supporting the microbiome as part of a real life wellness foundation, especially if you're under stress, if you're in a busy season of your life, or your system is already sensitive. One of my consistent staples is just thrive probiotics.
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Which then I would think that leads into the different kind of reactions that you talk about, right? Correct. And and and you talk about four different kinds of reactions that tend to show up in high pressure situations. Let's dive into that, Nima. What are the four reactions and how do they actually look like in real life when someone is trying to lead? And I don't know if that makes a difference in regards to the different kind of attachment styles or not, but
I would love to just hear your take on how this actually shows up. Sure. So in leadership, so the four four kind of like reactions, they're attachment distress responses. So these reactions are in response to a distress from the younger self. Okay. So the younger self, if something happens, you get triggered. And now every time there's reactivity, there's a wound. There's a younger part of you that didn't get a need met. So
Nima Rahmany (48:43.022)
How do they do it? By acting out, by pushing, by blaming, by being critical, by being controlling. That's the fight response. Okay. That's the fight, which is any type of energy that's placed forward. Judge it, fight response can also be poking, judging, blaming, criticizing, right? The this is judgment, like energetically, when you're looking at it going outwards, that's a fight. Okay. So
Look back on a business meeting that you had and somebody started coming out with blame, judgment, criticism, that's the fight response. Now, if you're on the receiving end of that, your nervous system gets activated. And if you haven't really learned how to elegantly boundary your energy around that and learn how to heal those attachment wounds, that person across the business meeting will say, make a criticism, maybe it's a performance review, something like that.
And now it lands in your system as a criticism. And now the wound comes up of I'm not enough, which is a younger version of you. So there's there's fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. So the flight would be, all right, I'm just gonna leave. I can't believe you said that, and get up and leave, or hanging up. Okay. Or hang the or hanging up on a person, right? This is this is the flight response. So any type of energetic movement away from.
Right. So this is where the body, I don't feel safe to this criticism, whatever it is. I'm gonna use criticism because it's the biggest one that that kind of comes up so insidiously in in these workplace situations. Flight is is kind of withdraw and run. The third one is the freeze. And have you ever been in a situation where you know, somebody says something.
Or let's say you're in a business meeting and a a really rude joke is made and it's very offensive and something that is like past like the bound past your boundary, a healthy person would say, Can I can I give you some feedback? That one, can you not say that? You know, a healthy person would be able to say, you know, I'd prefer you not you to use that language.
Nima Rahmany (51:07.564)
You know, I I I I'd love to continue this conversation, but I'm gonna ask you to not use that language or make those make those rude comments. That's an adult kind of person expressing their needs and their their boundaries. The boundary really is if you're if you're gonna use that language, I'm gonna have to remove myself. That's a really healthy way of communicating that. But the freeze response is something comes up and then you stay silent. You don't say anything.
You just let it slide. Or you've maintained a a relationship with your boss, for example, or a coworker or a client. And one after another, they've crossed a boundary. They show up late. You know, let's say, like I was late for this podcast interview, I texted you a few minutes before letting you know. so but let's say you and I become friends, and then I was late to our first podcast interview, and then every single time
That you and I are set to meet for coffee or whatever. I'm late and you and you're upset and it actually bothers you and you're you're really upset. But because you're threatened, you would you don't feel safe in sharing because what if Nima gets upset? That's the freeze response. It's kind of like the shutdown. So the freeze response in leadership looks like not sending the email.
looks like not even opening the email. Right. It's like I don't, but it's like ghosting. The most common way that it shows up in leadership is ghosting. If you've ever been ghosted by somebody, that's the freeze response. If you ghost people, that's the freeze. If you don't respond back, it's the state of, it's kind of like an my my nervous system is flooded. It's overwhelmed. And it doesn't feel safe to do anything. I can't run.
And I can't speak up. So I'm just not even gonna open the email because I don't wanna deal with what's there. That's the freeze response. That's the kind of state of overwhelm. And then the fourth one, of course, is the most insidious and it is what caused what I believe causes probably the most damage because it's death by a million paper cuts. It's the fawn response. It's the small, not speaking up, placating, pleasing. And so it's the nice guy syndrome.
Nima Rahmany (53:31.55)
Or the codependent, the good girl that just placate, placate, placate, placate. Then you hit a boiling point, and then there's an explosion. And then it's like, what? I didn't do anything. What's going on? How come do you just this came out of nowhere? Well, no, it didn't come out of nowhere. I've just been appeasing, appeasing, appeasing, appeasing, appeasing. And then it blows up. And so within a a workplace dynamic, within a corporate structure, within a leadership.
These trauma responses are masked as communication problems, but they're actually trauma responses. Yeah. Well, how does somebody it makes total sense? How does somebody actually recognize, though, that maybe it's not their leadership style that's leading, that it's actually their nervous system that's trying to protect? It's always see, every behavior is an unconscious strategy to regulate yourself. Let me say that again.
every behavior, whether I go and smoke 12 packs of cigarettes this weekend, or I drink a bunch of vodka, or I go do pornography and, you know, self-soothe with masturbation, whether I just shut down and stay in bed, my nervous system is doing the best it can with the tools it has to regulate all
Behavior. This is a beautiful framework I want to invite everybody to really see is that all human behavior is an unconscious attempt to regulate.
And that's it. And so every so just because you're a leader, you're a leader, but you're leading in a nervous system. So it's not like leadership and then nervous system here. The leaders, the the question is, you're living your leadership through your nervous system. You're not you can't separate your nervous system from leadership. It's all linked. It's it's it's who you are, it's the energetics of who you are.
Nima Rahmany (55:39.282)
you know, we call it soul or you can call it nervous system. It's the same thing. The soul, the energy, the nervous system, it's all the same. It is the it is the energetic frequency of your body. It's this flow of protection and safety. That's really what it is. So the best way that you can tell what it is is to look at your body. It's not what I'm doing.
It's how I feel in my body when I'm doing it. So I'm talking to you right now, and I'm noticing that I feel really, I'm just kind of like hunched back. And I just notice as I said that, I'm kind of leaning back in my chair. I feel really safe in my body. I have kind of like a playful, curious, excited energy because I love nerding out on this stuff. And so
What I want to invite people to do in terms of whether you're a leader, whether you're a si stay-at-home mother, whether you're a stay-at-home father, whatever, is it's not what I'm doing. It's how I feel in my body when I'm doing it that matters. When you're sending out the emails, what's more important when I send out these emails is what I'm what's going on in my body when I'm sending them, because that's transmuting externally. And this is why I went into somatic work. And now I've become a nerd for.
Somatic work. I am studying it. I'm learning it. It's a constant practice for me to check in and go, what's going on in my system? I didn't get much sleep last night. I'm feeling a little fatigue. And then bringing compassion to why that is rather than judging it. So this is a really cool new way of dealing with reality. It is just don't separate leadership from your nervous system. It's the same thing.
I love too that you bring all that together because that's exactly why I do the work that I do. I saw that the body is so important in all of this other work that we do, mindset work, energy work, whatever it is, it all is connected. And so I would love how how with your somatic work that you do, how did you find that it really helps somebody resolve attachment wounds in a way that mindset work, for example, may never actually reach?
Nima Rahmany (57:55.446)
Mindset work is insight, which is I had a great insight, but insight is thrown out the window the second your partner pulls away. The second your partner pulls away, the work is to observe the posture in your nervous system the brace or the clench, the withdrawal the collapse, or the push grind. Okay. And so the nervous system posture.
doesn't resolve through insight. It resolves through presence. So you must get present to the constriction you're carrying, where you're carrying it, and bring presence to it with loving awareness. And as you do that,
The bracing and the clenching, do it right now. Anyone who's listening, take a deep breath and notice where you're carrying the constriction in your body. You might not even be noticing as I'm talking to you that this is a very triggering conversation because I'm probably talking about some aspect of somebody you know or yourself. As you listen, listen with your body, I tell people. And you're like, ooh, I feel a little bit of a constriction here. And so put your hand over that area.
And simply observe it?
Nima Rahmany (59:16.738)
Without judgment.
Nima Rahmany (59:20.864)
And as you as I bring the awareness to the body, where I'm clenching, where I'm collapsing or numbing, or where I'm pushing and grinding, where where I'm withdrawing or fading, the the the observation of the nervous system posture separates you from it. So if you can see it, you don't have to be it. And it begins with that moment to moment practice, moment to moment, during conflict.
My wife and I are having conflict. I'm just bringing my awareness back to my body, noticing the clenching, because that's a protective little little Nima that just wants to be right and doesn't want wants to wants to be lovable. He all of a sudden I bring my awareness that that's what's clenching. I bring my awareness there. And then as I bring my awareness, I can kind of like open. As I bring my awareness to that, the posture kind of resolves. Cause the goal here.
is to move from that protective mechanism to openness. See, as I'm talking to you, I, you know, when I'm speaking to somebody or I'm working with people or I'm having a conversation, if I, if my nervous system and my posture is braced when I'm speaking to you, Tansy, you can feel it. You can hear it in my voice. You can feel it in my energy. And then because of that bracing energy, our nervous systems are contagious.
You will start to register a lack of safety within me. And then you will get defensive. So I unintentionally am impacting you with my own energy of bracing because I'm nervous, or maybe she's going to ask me something that makes me look stupid, or maybe someone's going to judge me for what I did in my past. And so this bracing experience causes energetically for me to put out you know, like what am I bracing against? My my own.
Kind of like judgment of myself that I put out. And so what I'm holding in is what I put out, and what I put out is what I get back. So simply by bringing your awareness to your breath and bringing your awareness to where you're carrying that bracing, you're able to kind of like open that up and constantly over time keep reminding the little boy or little girl inside of you that you're safe and that you're gotten. Yeah.
Nima Rahmany (01:01:40.854)
Yeah, it all starts with the body. That is the first initial place. It's the last place everybody looks. It exactly. It's the last place people look, but it's the first place where change, real change happens. And so I would love to talk a little bit about repair then. So if we're looking at the somatic work, what else can leaders in their leadership roles or in their life in general?
High performers, I guess I should say, instead of just leaders, high performing people. High performers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. how w where can they start to make real shifts and movements to help heal some of these wounds, to shift some of these attachment styles that they are currently carrying? Yeah. The way they're reacting. Yeah. It's all about self repair. It sounds really strange, but
The the attachment wound of what happened isn't the problem. It's the meaning that we make out of it. So let's say mom left at the age of two to go explore immigrating to Canada. That's what happened. That that there was nothing but love in that desire for her to go and bring the family out of Iran to Canada. But what my nervous about what the child decides.
They decide in that moment unconsciously that I'm not loved. I'm not lovable. I didn't consciously make that choice, but it's it's the choice that the child version of us makes is to abandon ourselves and go looking for that approval outside. And that fundamental trauma is separation from self.
So resolving the attachment wound sounds very airy fairy and you know it sounds very non-neuroscientific, but one of my good friends, Dr. Russell Kennedy, who's a neuroscientist, he teaches, he taught he was the one that taught me this is that is that healing and resolving the attachment wound is about resolving the meaning that we made about it, that I'm not enough. So because dad
Nima Rahmany (01:04:00.642)
Mom got a divorce, it doesn't mean that you're not enough. Because dad cheated on mom. I have one person who who has a one person I know who has a podcast about kind of like betrayed families and healing betrayed families. And she works with families after infidelity. Well, when she was 15, her her her father had an affair with the mom and it became public and everything like that. And
Dad had an affair on mom, but 15-year-old version of that one, that that younger version of herself decided and chose that it was I'm not enough. And so the healing of that, she's come a long way doing great work in the world, but the true healing of that comes with the rewiring of that meaning that.
That she made out of it, which is a separation from self. And until she re she rewires that fundamental separation from self, that attachment wound still lingers. Resentment is kind of like this fuel that keeps pushing. And there's this push, push, push, this drive to prove, and it's hidden in the unconscious. And and and we believe and we think on a conscious level that it was because of dad's whatever.
But fundamentally it's from the separation from self. So we can't really repair with other people until we fully repair with the parts of us that we abandoned and separated from. Once that's done, now your adult brain comes back online. And then now the person that you feel wronged you, you can humanize them now. You don't see them as the apparent that that wronged you. You see them as human. And this is true emergence of emotional maturity.
Does that make sense? It does. It does. And so if one, if somebody wants to start making shifts now, if they want to start diving into this work, are there any specifics that you would encourage them to either notice, practice, track, whatever whatever, to be able to see some of these patterns so they can start to heal? Great question. So when I'm working with people, the first three months of this process is really.
Nima Rahmany (01:06:22.444)
frustrating because it's all, you know, making the unconscious conscious. You don't know that you're doing it. So the the c the clients that I work with, they they will message me and be like, my God, I just finished a meeting and I fawned the entire time. I can't unsee this. Like once they hear about it and then they go back into their lives, then they start
Going into work and then they're talking to their kid, even their adult children, even their children. You can fawn with your children, right? And they're like, my God, I've been people pleasing all my life to the point where I don't even know who I am. Like it's a very, it's a very confronting level of work. Cause, you know, talk therapy is pretty safe. You know, you tell your story, they affirm you, see you next week. But this work is like, my God, it's making your unconscious.
Egoic defense mechanisms, conscious. And when you see the degree of the mask that you're wearing, the fact that you're so fucking fake, pardon my language. You're so fake everywhere, and everything is such a performance. You're just like, my God, I can't like there's an initial kind of depressing yet liberating realization because you're just like,
my God, I'm sick to my like, how do you know you're doing it right? When you get sick to your stomach at the degree of incongruency, inauthenticity that you've been living, and then a bit of a relief like, that's why my relationships feel so frustrating. That's why I'm constantly overfunctioning to just try to make everybody else happy. it's to try. That's why.
I'm so like that's why I just completely try sweep in and be the hero and rescue people because I want to feel like I'm a good person and I'm a hero. God. I thought it was because I was just just a superior person. It's like I'm just trying to get validation. and then they they feel like it's a kick in the pants. And and I'm like, Yes, I get it. We're all we all I know. I I I've walked that path and
Nima Rahmany (01:08:41.087)
Let me hold the bucket for you while you puke. Let me hold your hair up while you puke, because this reckoning is necessary. We need to destruct this old identity of this people-pleasing, fawning, incongruent, performative rescuing, just so that you could be seen and validated in certain let that part of you kind of go in service of going, okay, so who would I love to be? Who am I choosing to be?
And so this is the concept of becoming elegantly boundaried where if I feel like it's a no, I'm gonna say no. I'm gonna share my opinion. And if it differs from yours, I'm okay with that. We have a good capacity for difference. Not everyone has to agree with me for for me to be okay with myself. And when you have negative feedback towards me, it might sting a little bit, but I want to hear it because I want to create co-create a great experience with you. And slowly as I let that old
kind of like identity die, I now look and I see all of the relationships that I have in my life are secure. All of them we rupture and we repair, even with clients. You know, part of my work with them working closely, because not a robot, they can do go chat GPT and get, you know, psychological advice, but with a real human being where we have some rupture or disagreement and then we can repair and they it's different. The stakes are higher with a human. So
Having the somatic physical experience of being with another human who's really committed to repairing and validating their experience. And then it's it's a new experience for women. You can't heal this on your own. It you you got you got screwed up in relationship and you must heal within relationship. There's self-work that needs to be done, but it has to be in relationship. So when I'm working with a woman, often they follow my work and they're like, my God, I want to work with you. And then I pause and then I
Kind of like we we have an offering and then are you ready to to dive in? And they're like, Yes, I'm ready. And then I pause them and I say, Tamsy, Tansy, I want you to practice saying no to me to this offer. And then Tansy will say, But no, no, no, no, I don't want to. I don't want to. And that's the old people pleaser. And I'm like, just trust me. And so Tansy will say, Nima, thank you for this offer, but I'm a no to work with you. And then I say, Tansy, I totally understand.
Nima Rahmany (01:11:06.882)
I love you and respect you anyway, and I wish you all the best. And then they pause and then I go, Tansy, how did that feel? And then some of them start crying because they realize that they're fawning and people pleasing and they've never had safety in saying no. And that can't happen with Chat GPT. That's gotta happen, especially if a woman with a masculine with a wound with men.
Where it's they feel uncomfortable saying no. The practice is to say no to me and then receive love for that and honor for their boundary. And then they go, You mean I'm allowed to? And then now their nervous system learns that that's what secure, that's what a secure relationship should look like. So when they go dating again, they don't fawn, but they have to have that alchemical experience where that
Old wound gets activated and they're scared, but then somebody is there to hold that for them. Then they move through it and go, that's what it should feel like. Cause growing up, I was never allowed to say no. So I just ghost anyway. But when you've had that experience, instead of ghosting, which is the freeze response, in relational dynamics, whether it's business, leadership, workplace, or relational dynamic, you then
You then are able to say no to somebody because you learn that it's safe to do it. Yeah. So many awarenesses. Yes. So many awarenesses. I think that this is gonna really help to unlock and open up so many people's eyes and perceptions about how they have been interacting in the world. And so thank you so much for this. Now, before we get into the logistics of where people can find you, Nima, let's just do some real quick.
Three rapid fire questions. I want to dive into how you interact with these kinds of concepts and the things that you start to see. Okay. Okay. Yeah. All right. All right. So the first question: What is one phrase someone can say in a hard conversation that instantly creates more set safety? And when I say someone, I mean more you. Like, what is one phrase that you have found?
Nima Rahmany (01:13:28.75)
That you can say in a hard conversation that instantly creates more safety. Tell me more. Hmm. Curiosity. Yes. Yeah. I like that. Awesome. Yeah. All right. Okay. Question number two. What is one leadership habit that looks strong on the outside, but is often fear that is just kind of wrapped up in a really nice little bow and tie?
Performative positivity. that's a great one. Yeah. Yeah. My body, my body kind of like responds, but kind of like constricts to somebody that's overly performative, smiley, and positive. My bot my body constricts to it because I know that's the mask. Yeah. that's a really good one. True centeredness. True centeredness isn't positivity.
Because in an effort to be positive, you're avoiding that shadow. But when somebody's integrated, there's just authentic. There's no positive performance. They're just being real. Yeah. You know, this is why we love like comedians like Dave Chappelle. His performance, he's not like it's a performance, but it feels like he's talking to just one person. Right. This is what I notice about why I love Dave Chappelle as a comedian, even though he says some really controversial things.
The way he delivers it isn't like a you don't feel like he's performing, even though it is. So those, there's a, there's a truth to that. Yeah. And I agree with you. When it comes to comedians, those are my favorite kind that are just very straightforward, down to earth, and have those real conversations, no matter if they're controversial or not. It's kind of interesting just to see how that translates. So awesome. All right. Last one. Okay. If your nervous system, NEMA.
Could send you a warning sign before or during a trigger that you are that you're in, what would it look like? Constriction in the body right away. Constriction or numbness. There's you you're looking for a numbness or you're looking for constriction right away. Your body just your body tells you like it, your your body is the first thing. So
Nima Rahmany (01:15:43.778)
The body awareness is a skill that takes practice. I'm getting better at it. I've been doing it for six years. I'm better now than I was last year. Two years from now, I'll be even better. So it's a a constant practice in our community where we're constantly bringing awareness internally to it. Yeah. Yeah. Nemo, where can people find you? Where can they get into your world? And what are you excited about that's going on in your work right now?
They can find me. my Become Trigger Proof, Become Triggerproof.com. And I think my team will provide you with a link. I have a really cool quiz. it's called the Trigger Proof Leader, leadership map quiz. So there's kind of like think attachment styles, but as a leader. I kind of put them together where you're either this hidden inferno, which is like completely insecure, nervous system is like through the roof.
there's this intermittent warrior where you're bracing while you're pushing. then there is the heat sensor, which is kind of like this space of like safety. You're you're good, but you're you're you're bracing for impact and then the centered commander. So it's kind of like there's different archetypes and how to move through them. So I I I talk about that in the quiz. so I'll I'll leave the
make sure that my team gives you the link for the for the show notes of that. But the best way to get in touch with me, I mean, my Instagram and social media provide there. And really the best way is once you've done the quiz to to hit reply and send me an email and give me your backstory and tell me what questions you have, I read all of them and I I really pay attention to what what people are dealing with and going on because I do believe that whatever we're struggling with
This work is the solution for it if people are willing to learn. Yeah. Friends, you know how it works around here. All of those links will be down in the show notes for easy access to get into Nima's world. Do you have any last words, Nima, that you would like to lay on the hearts of the listeners today before we sign off? Hmm. Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you'll call it fate. And so
Nima Rahmany (01:18:06.914)
The greatest gift that the greatest education that we can do that we never get in school is the skill of being able to expose the unconscious drive behind our behavior, so that we can live consciously, so that we can be c conscious creators rather than be at the effect of all of our conditioning and reactivity. If you want to create your life and lead yourself and and and the planet or a community.
learn how to make the unconscious conscious as a as a lifestyle and a skill. Nima, thank you so much for being here today. Thank you so much for this work that you're doing. I appreciate you. Thank you.
Nima Rahmany (01:18:52.34)
So often we think leadership is just about being more confident or more decisive or more polished overall as a human being. But what I'm taking from this conversation today is that real leadership asks us to know ourselves in the moments when pressure truly hits. It asks us to notice the old that's not that's not working anymore, the protective that isn't so protective.
The attachment that maybe is leading you astray, and what is actually needed now to move forward in a healthier way. For everyone listening, if this episode made you recognize a pattern in yourself, please do not turn that into another reason to shame yourself. Let it just be information and an opening and an invitation for you to move forward with more compassion, with more capacity, especially for compassion.
Capacity for healing and repairing. And until next time, keep spreading that beautiful energy you are born to share.
