Tansy (00:13.752)
Welcome back to the Energy Fix, a podcast dedicated to help you balance your energetic body by diving deep into the sweet world of all things health and spirituality. My name's Tansy and I'm an intuitive crystal Reiki energy healer, energetic nutrition and holistic health practitioner, and a crystal jewelry designer. It's time to talk all things energy. Let's dive in. What is the pain you're carrying?
isn't a wall, but is actually a doorway. Whew. Deep conversation right off the bat. Today we're talking about the tender, gritty ways that we move through heartbreak and trauma and even divorce and somehow meet beauty on the other side of all of it when even in the midst we feel like nothing is ever going to be good again. My guest today is Alexis Leigh.
a Texas-born storyteller, former investment banker turned seeker, and author of the book Pain is a Portal to Beauty. Alexis has a gift for taking big ideas, parts work, self-love, even psychedelic assisted healing, and she translates them into this grounded practical wisdom. In her pages and in life, she keeps peeling back layers until the truth gets
really honest. And today we're going to explore the messages that she's heard on a walk that has changed everything in her life. She's going to talk about how emotions have become her teachers and what to do when you feel stuck in a life that's asking you to truly evolve, to take that next step, to move forward, even when it looks so scary.
Now, just a quick note before we dive into this conversation. This conversation is for entertainment and education only. Nothing here is medical advice or a recommendation to use the substances that are talked about. Always follow the advice of a qualified professional in anything that you're doing based off of this conversation. Now, without further ado,
Tansy (02:37.814)
Let's get into this beautiful conversation with Alexis Leigh. Let's dive in.
Tansy (02:45.96)
Welcome to the Energy Fix Podcast. Alexis, thank you so much for being here today.
Yes, thanks for having me.
Let's dive into this incredibly rich conversation that we're going to have and really just let the listener know you with where you're at right now in the season of your life. Is there a word or a phrase that you're really embodying right now and connecting to?
Yes, I would say surrender is that word for me right now. There have been lots of things in my life that have been, that I've become aware of how much I've tried to avoid them, brace, you know, control around them. And this period has been one of just standing really still and letting things come at me just as they are. And with that comes a power and a strength to knowing that, I can handle anything. So it's been a really
potent time to get in touch with my power.
Tansy (03:45.55)
And so surrender is such a popular word that I think a lot of people are trying to connect to. So I would love to know on your end, what are you doing to surrender more, especially during the times that we're having right now that are very rich and diverse in chaos and change and transformation. And there's so much going on in the world stage.
What are you doing to just let go?
Well, you my journey in the last few years has all been about allowing my pain to surface. And this is something that my whole life I tried to avoid. And then something, you five years ago, I had a moment that said, it's time to stop avoiding your pain. So I've grown both in my awareness of my pain and my capacity to feel it and my willingness to go toward it. But there are layers, right? You start, you said on a podcast I was listening to earlier about the low hanging fruit, we start where we can.
And so there might be a disagreement with the neighbor. It's like not that big of a deal, but it really frustrated you. And you kind of sit with that frustration. So you can kind of work through these less intense, less important exchanges. And ultimately, you make your way deeper and deeper and deeper to these pieces that are really important and really scary. And so what I've done is continued deepening that work. And whenever I have a really painful emotion arise, I notice
my inclination to go distract myself or with screens or food or whatever the numbing agent might be or to go talk to someone about it because it feels good to not be in it alone. There are all these things that I do that either avoid it or dampen it. And I'm really just trying to sink into the pain and do nothing about it. And
Alexis (05:42.424)
But it's a skill, right? It's a muscle that you grow over time. And I've just worked on that muscle a lot. So I've been able to really sink into that recently.
Before we dive any further into this conversation, I want to give you a little update of what's going on over here at the Energy Fix Podcast, BEU Complete and BEU Crystals and where you can find me for the holidays.
Coming up, I'm going to be at the Hershey Gem, Jewelry, and Rock show at the Historic Acres of Hershey on Sunday, November 9th. So that is coming up. If you're listening to this in real time, that is this coming weekend. I will be there from 10 to 4, so if you are local, please come on out and say hi. I'm going to have some fresh crystal pieces, do some quick energy matches with those pieces and yourself. I would love to connect in.
have not heard, I am doing a new little opportunity offering this holiday season. It is called Wish and Tell. Holiday decisions can really melt your brain. I mean, it can feel like it is pulling teeth to try to figure out what to get the people that you love. Wish and Tell, I wanted to create this to make gifting easy. You tell me who you want me to nudge and
what it is that you're dreaming of and I send your person a curated guide so you can get the exact piece or session that you actually want. Private shopping windows are included so if you just aren't sure but you want something from BEU Crystals or BEU Complete, I got you covered. So all you need to do is jump down into the show notes, click the link for Wish & Tell and you can fill out the form so that I
Tansy (07:36.48)
know exactly all of the details that I can pass along to the people that love you and want to get you incredible gifts. Now let's jump back into this interview and connect back in with the wisdom from Alexis Leigh.
And I was just going to say, I mean, it sounds like surrender is probably that muscle, like you just said, something you've really been attuning because I want to start in the woods, proverbial and also literal. Let's start right there. I mean, you've written about hearing a mysterious message that changed everything in your life. And I'm kind of feeling that that was probably that five years ago, that little shift and changing point. What?
Yeah.
was the moment and what shifted in your body before your mind could really even catch up to it all.
Yeah, I mean, I was walking in the woods. I was listening to music. My son was taking a nap one day and I heard a message that said, if you die today, your life will have been a tragedy. And like you said, my mind couldn't take all that in and analyze it and figured out it just struck so deeply to my core that it was right. Like it resonated to the core. So immediately I collapsed into that truth and let myself see how really sad and lonely I was.
Alexis (08:58.158)
I had the external picture that was lovely and perfect in the dream life. But this message that came from within my body, from this mysterious voice really told me, it's time to look at some stuff. It's time to look at this deep, dark pain that you've been avoiding. And it can be so hidden and so deep that you don't even know you're avoiding it, right? We kind of...
develop these unconscious coping mechanisms just to protect us until we're ready to look at this stuff.
And so repeat that again for the listener. Repeat that so they can really hear that message.
What the message said to me? If you die today, your life will have been a tragedy.
And so as soon as you said that, that really just vibrated in my soul because I think that there are so many people out there that can resonate with that because we get stuck in this place of just existing, just doing, just living day to day and moment to moment because we don't know any other way or that is the message of society and how we're to move forward. But yet you had this aha.
Tansy (10:13.514)
moment that came in and said, no more. How did that shift you then? how did, what did you do with that information?
Well, you know, it took a while for that to sink in. It changed me immediately. know, immediately there was kind of a door that was opened that had been closed before that I didn't even know was there. So there was not immediate clarity about what to do with it, but there was an immediate shift of, I'm not happy, like deeply unhappy. So the things in my life that were kind of bugging me, but I thought I should, you know, be okay with. My marriage was, I was married to a really wonderful
and we struggled a lot, but he was so wonderful and I loved him. And so for me, there is always this, have to make it. And that moment was like such a wake-up call that the things that you think you have to do, everything's thrown out the window because you are in a really terrible place actually. So it just gave me both, know, there's this, whenever I find out something that I didn't know was true before, when I reached a deeper level of consciousness,
There can be this great pain that you access with that because you're finally willing to look at it. But what accompanies that is also a great relief because you're not spending that unconscious energy trying to avoid it anymore. So it was both a deeply sad realization, but also a really liberating one because it just showed me what was true. It showed me what was in my body already that I just wasn't willing or strong enough to look at.
Yeah. Well, and you were also an investment too. You were an investment banker and then you moved into being a seeker. So talk about that and that shift and transformation, how that felt.
Alexis (11:59.694)
Well, I mean, think that's what this moment was, the moment that that shift began. So I was an investment banker after college, and then I ended up having my own consulting practice that was a branch off of investment banking. the job, we talked about this before jumping on here, that line of work was a great fit for my brain, but it wasn't my passion. I always wanted to help people. I always wanted to figure out why am I here on this earth? And I love math, but doing Excel spreadsheets was not.
really why I'm here. So in that moment, it really gave me a chance to, again, kind of start fresh and say, OK, what's not working? If my life is a tragedy, then a lot must not be working, right? So what can I look at in all the pieces? And the career was one of them that I didn't immediately make a change, but I was aware that that might be heading toward the end of that career path, towards something that I was more passionate about.
And frankly, it also helped me see, my passion is this, my passion is healing. I've always wanted to heal. I've always wanted to find more happiness, all of that stuff. And I kind of saw that as like almost like a problem. But really it was that I, that's why I was here. I'm here to have gone through what I went through so that I could discover these truths. That's my passion. So again, it was that moment that really started letting pieces move around a little bit.
Yeah, you know, it's so funny. I think when people step into that path of being a seeker, when they step into the path of spiritual, spiritual, for lack of a better word, spiritual enlightenment, whatever you want to call it, there is this thought concept that is going to be these beautiful rainbows. There's going to be unicorns flying all over the place is so happy and great. And it's going to be this in
incredibly enjoyable process when in reality it is like you are sitting on a roller coaster going full speed upside down round and round screaming your head off and I don't say scare anybody but it's that reality check of like Becoming a seeker means that there is going to be pains that are going to be popped up to the surface and so I Would love to talk about that with you and your experience
Tansy (14:17.246)
Where did you first notice pain was acting as a protector? And when did it become more of a portal for you to step through into something deeper?
Well, it's funny. I I appreciate the juxtaposition of the kind of unicorns and the beauty. actually, one of the big pieces, so this moment in the woods was a big, was the start for me, the big wake up call. And I would backtrack that a little bit. I wasn't spiritual before this moment, but I had been working on healing for a long time. And so in retrospect, I had been doing spiritual work, right? All of the stuff that I had been doing to have compassion for myself and the things that I went through, all of that was clearing out stuff so that I could find more connection to life and spirit. So.
In retrospect, I was doing the work not knowing I was doing the work, but.
As most are, as most are, I'll be honest.
And so it's props to everybody. Like everybody, right, is doing the best that they can and working through these huge pieces in their lives. And we may not always give ourselves the credit because we can't quite see it. We can't see it clearly most of the time until later. And you can look back and go, oh, wow, I went through a lot there. I did a good job. Pat on the back. But one of the pieces that came into my life, it was a couple years after, or a year and a half maybe after The Voice in the Woods is what I call it, but is that I started
Alexis (15:35.838)
working with a psychedelic guide. my second journey was with psilocybin. And I'd had a really beautiful journey with MDMA the first time I worked with her. And for psilocybin, I thought, this will also be beautiful, but in a different way. And I'd heard about others' experiences. And I would think about the rainbow light and being an eagle flying in the sky. And I had all of these notions. when I started feeling the medicine, it was like I went straight to the underworld.
There were these dancing gremlins dancing with my dead mother's teeth. Like it was just like so dark. I was just like, what is happening? And ultimately, right on the other side of that, I took away so many pieces from that that were life-changing for me. And frankly, that was the first message from the mushrooms was there's more work to do. You have so much more grief to work through in order to have a different life. So that was really, you know, I had
gone toward the pain. By that point, my husband and I had decided to get a divorce. You know, like my life had fallen apart in lots of ways already. So the pain was active. But that journey really helped me see, first of all, that I had so much more pain to dig up. But also, whenever I would then have like a grieving session, I would try to then proactively grieve whenever I had space, whenever I was triggered. And right afterward, I would go outside and the trees came alive to me.
Like the world looked more beautiful. There were, you know, I never knew about Dahlia's before I started doing grief work. It's just like, I didn't see the world in all of its beauty before I started grieving. And so for me that, was the starting point to realizing I have to really go toward the pain with intention. I mean, life will throw it at you anyway, if you choose not to go intentionally toward it, but.
the more I chose to go toward pain and sit with the grief and work through it, the more beautiful my life started to become. I mean, have more examples of that that are pretty amazing that I can share, but I would say that was the start of it.
Tansy (17:47.174)
Mm-hmm. Well, the medicine meets us where we need to be and what we need the most. And so I think that for some people who experience flying on the back of an eagle and having this beautiful experience, it may be exactly what they need in that moment to see, remember, create magic in their life again. And for others, they need to be taken to the underworld.
Yeah. Yeah. And mine was the mushrooms mostly took me to the underworld. And then I ultimately tried because of that, I was like, well, you my guide said some people are mushroom people and some people are ayahuasca people. And so ultimately I found my way to to ayahuasca. And that was more of a mix. I mean, those journeys were more for me, more expensive. They actually took more time and.
and I would have all of it. I would have the grief work and I would have the beauty and my body would dissolve into something incredible. And you know, there was all of it with ayahuasca. But yes, I had a lot to dig up and I'm still doing that. And each time I'm finding some mind blowing discovery that having worked through the grief unlocks for me, which is heartening. Not in middle of the dark stuff. It's hard when you're in the middle of it. There's not a lot of, you know.
The point of it, think, is not to have the consolation, because then you're not really in it. It's really just to be in that darkness and come out the other side and go, I made it. I did it. And now look at how my life has opened up.
Yeah. Well, the title of your book, Pain is a Portal to Beauty, that feels like such a reframe. And do you feel that it was exactly what you just talked about, this leg of your journey that really helped to inspire you to write this and to put this out into the world?
Alexis (19:37.39)
Well, that's that's I think the most fun discovery for me in this journey is that there was another time when I wasn't doing medicine work, but I just was in a deep period of grief and my partner and I took space and this was my partner after my husband and I got divorced and we took space he asked for space and I was really blindsided. I was devastated and and there wasn't anything I could do. I couldn't tell him not to take space right like anything. I anything I did would
make it worse. So I just had to sit with it. And by this time I knew to allow the grief to come in. And I also knew that his abandoning me was there to let me feel what I felt when my mom left me. So my mom was a drug addict who left me in the sense that she was depressed for a long time and then she was an addict at home for a long time and then she went to rehab. So she physically left me and then she died.
There was this string of abandonments that I felt that were so devastating, but I was too young to hold that. I wasn't resourced enough to hold that. So I buried that. So when my partner asked for space, I got to feel that. just let myself feel the abandonment, wounding that I have for my mother. And it was incredibly painful. And one day I woke up and this book just poured out of me. And I never wanted to be a writer.
I thought I was a terrible writer. And so in the midst of this grief, this beautiful thing was born that was a total shock to me. Like my brain had a certain sense for who I was and what I could do. And it was like my body took over and I had a chapter called Divine Fish Nuts. And that was the first chapter that came out of me. And I was just like, what is this? I was like, is this my journal? Is this something in it? And it ultimately was something that really came through me because I had allowed myself to feel that grief.
I was able to wake up these parts of myself that had been asleep, right? Because if you're avoiding the grief, that part of you shuts down. That also shuts down the goodness that you have. And so for me, every time I've woken up a part of me, there's been this gift that's come up where I go, my God, I'm a writer? Or like I'm a singer. didn't know I had a powerful singing voice. I'm a dancer. Like all of these creative outlets have been such a joy, a shocking delight for me.
Alexis (21:59.948)
when I thought I was not creative at all. So that's part of the beauty. Certainly there's the portal to self-love and all sorts of bigger concepts too, but the fun, tangible pieces for me are learning, I'm a writer, I'm a dancer, I'm a singer. I didn't know any of these things. What an incredible discovery to make at this point in my life.
Mmm, that is beautiful. And so as you were talking about this journey that you learned the abandonment wound that you learned that you had had that was really spawned maybe from other things too, but especially from your relationship with your mom. I love that as an example of how you've been gently turning truths on their heads, you know, and really just shifting things around so that you could
almost like a mirror, turn around, turn it around and really look at it closely so you can examine yourself a little bit more deeply. What's one popular healing idea that you've flipped in your own life and what happened when you lived the new version of that?
Well, you know, I do have I do have some big ones even lately that I've been going through. But one of the ones that I talk about my book is how, you know, there's the whole like mansplaining and people talking down to you and that doesn't feel good and they shouldn't do that. Like there's so much for me has been a shocking discovery that when I want people to change their behavior.
I'm avoiding something that's painful in me. I actually, ultimately I'm strong enough to not have anybody change their behavior toward me. But I have to, I have to find my way there. And so when people trigger me, it gives me a chance to tune in and go, gosh, my, that really breaks my heart or gosh, that gives me, you know, a stomach ache or, know, what is it in me that that is triggering? And so one of the things was this whole, my, my partner was just, we're just going to talk over me and I just was like, gosh, this guy.
Alexis (24:01.006)
He doesn't see me, you know, whatever. Like just, didn't think it was a serious relationship, so I didn't really care, but I was like just totally annoyed by him. And ultimately what happened was that I was, my pain once I dug into it was that I was hiding. In my life, I internalized because my mother died and because she was so fragile to have this tragic demise, I internalized that I was too much and that
my presence hurt other people. So I was accustomed to keeping myself small so that I didn't kill anybody. And it's like, my God, how can, I didn't know that was in me. I didn't know a part of me thought that I might have been the one that led to my mom's dying. But what I realized is my partner and I got closer and more serious is that I couldn't tolerate hiding and playing small anymore. So I would get really pissed at him, but I realized it wasn't being talked down to. It was me playing small. My pain was not.
his behavior, it was me saying, I'm not going to hide for anybody anymore. anyway, got a little energized there. But that's one of those things where was like, it just blows my mind. like, oh, I thought it was this piece over here. And I thought other people were the problem. But really, it's me avoiding this truth that I have not wanted to consider because that truth is too painful. And really, that's because I think I'm too weak to handle it is ultimately where it comes down to.
And relationships are our greatest teachers and really, I don't know, I'm doing my own personal deep dive journey, deeper dive journey with human design. And I'm really learning in regards to the core wounds side of things. Our relationships are such great teachers, but also I believe that they are meant to ignite and trigger some of our core wounds so that us as a soul.
can heal on that deeper level. And it sounds like that's what was happening with you was those messages were coming up and being repeated so that you could really turn that mirror back at yourself and say, I can't anymore. I need to heal now.
Alexis (26:13.386)
Yeah, that's absolutely my experience is that anytime I have an issue with somebody else, I go, OK, what do I need to look at? And lately for me, again, I've kind of just been going deeper and deeper and deeper. And lately, it's been this really deep dive into this place that I didn't know. I do a lot of work with my parts, right, internal family systems. So I'll write, I'll try to understand what is this emotion that was locked in here from years and years and years ago.
Is there something that that part can tell me that I'm missing? And so I'll have these conversations with these parts. I'll be typing on my computer and say, what can you tell me? And as I continue down, I find these mind blowing things, even after all the work I've done in these five years, deep, deep work with psychedelics and otherwise, I'm still having these really shocking revelations. And so one of them lately was realizing that when I go to try to please my partner,
And I used to be way people pleasing. I'm a lot less people pleasing now, but it is, it's still, there's still stuff there and you go, okay, well, what are these, what are these remaining pieces that are trying to please my partner, for example? And I realized that if I, I'm just trying desperately to avoid his disapproval because his disapproval might reinforce the notion that my mom left me because of me. And I never knew even that a part of me was afraid that it was my fault. You know, I was just,
Any objective, any other person would tell you, no, you were lovely. I did well in school, and I had all these talents, and I was really a nice kid. Of course my mom didn't leave me because of me is the outward story, but there's a part of me who thought she did. And I didn't even know the part of me thought that or feared that until recently when I realized, every time I go.
to make somebody else like me or these teeny little things. It can be so subtle at this point again, because I've let go of a lot of my big people pleasing, like you said, with the low hanging fruit. Like I've done all the low hanging fruit. These are really subtle pieces that are left. And I'm still avoiding moving to do something to not get the message that I'm intolerable, because that's what part of me really is afraid to look at. So it's been very painful to sit with that piece of like, what if I was intolerable?
Alexis (28:32.886)
If what if my mom didn't love me? But then then what happens is there's a lot of grief work that I go to sit with that part. But then I really freeze me up to live my life differently, because once I'm willing to look at that deep, dark truth, then I don't care what the guy in the coffee shop thinks of me. You like those things are not the things. It's this deep, dark piece of my mother didn't love me enough to live for me. Once I once I'm just even willing to consider that as a possibility, then the other things fall away because it doesn't matter.
They're only there again, like you said, to be these kind of repeated opportunities to look at this darker stuff. I feel like I'm harping on darker stuff, but it can feel that way, to look at these deeply hidden pieces so that you can release them and start showing up differently in the world.
And isn't it incredible too? I love that you said, you know, and if I come to that, it doesn't matter what that guy in the coffee shop said about me, but it isn't it amazing that when we do shut that down and not allow ourselves to look at those deep pains and those triggers that it is so easy for that guy in the coffee shop opinion to really impact our entire day.
Like it is just that little extra cherry on the top of your sundae that is already melting, right? Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, that's it is shocking once you and I think so many times you don't even realize that you're worried about what the guy at the coffee right. It doesn't even register. So what this helped me see is like, I'm I'm moving this way because this person in my exercise class like I have some thought about what they think about me and it's like why in the world do I care about that? But the truth is that I do because it's related to this other piece. And once you start, you know, we can talk about integration to write like you have these major.
Alexis (30:28.14)
breakthroughs and then you and then there's this rewiring that has to start happening like you've done it that way for so long. I've been I'm 43. I've been doing this for 43 years. So it's going to take me a minute even though I've had this huge breakthrough. It's going to take me a minute to stop caring about what the person in the exercise class thinks about me just because I'm just used to saying, how am I affecting that person? Right. But when I then I come back to the realization of like, I'm OK. Even if my mother didn't love me, I then I then I absolutely can drop.
what the person in the exercise class thinks or what the guy in the coffee shop thinks. Like it really does start to fall away, but it takes a minute because you've got to rewire.
It does and it's not a quick fix. Sure. And so that is why having many options of different kinds of therapies depending on where you're at or who you are and what's going to benefit you the most and you know, all those nuances are so important to have but I want to, therapies, journaling, meditation, whatever it is, like there's many forms but
No.
Tansy (31:30.88)
let's talk about psychedelics with a little bit more nuance. Let's get a little bit deeper here, because I also want to bring in that integration piece. In your experience, when can they help somebody really meet their pain with meaning and not actually detour them away from it? know, like the using it as an escape mechanism.
How, when does that, when does that change? What is your opinion around that?
That's an interesting question. You I have found them only useful. I went into them though, you know, with with
My life had been declared a tragedy. So it really was for me kind of like a Hail Mary. Like how do I turn this bus around? Because I have, and he's now nine years old. I had a four year old son at the time and I didn't want to repeat, know, I have this legacy of tragedy. My grandfather died by suicide. My mother, her body was discovered in a field. You know, like there's this really tragic line. And then there was me and I've been sad and lonely for 40 years. And then what's going on? What's going to happen for my son? So for me, this was like, how can I?
for myself and my son, how can I change our trajectory? So I was willing to give psychedelics a try because I just needed to do something big. And I had been doing talk therapy for years and I was really kind of stalled there. So I would say, you know, I did psychedelics with a guide, someone I trusted very much. know, I just, she was very skilled in, with the background in therapy, but also certainly on the psychedelic side. So I felt very supported. So I've never done,
Alexis (33:11.246)
I never had a psychedelic experience that wasn't supported in that way. At this point, I've had enough experience that I would probably trust myself to do it by myself. But certainly before I was there, I had done it guided. So I can see it going badly if you take a bunch of mushrooms out in the woods and you don't know what you're getting into. But when I was first doing this, I said, look, I want to try this, but I'm a single mom now, and I have to show it for my kid.
So this cannot turn my world upside down in such a way that I can't be a mom. That's the whole point here is I want to turn around my life for my son so I can't do psychedelics and then have that crack me open in some way that I can't recover from. And my guide's guidance there was that you've done so much internal work. So you know what you're going to start to see, right? Somebody who has never done internal work and goes and does psychedelics might have a different experience. So I think both having the support, the external support from the guide
knowing where you are in your journey, you know, maybe not diving it like this guide. We started with MDMA as a way to deal with ego level trauma before doing psilocybin. So there was kind of this gradual approach that you move on to psilocybin when you're ready. So I think for me having all of those pieces in place, let me feel like, okay, this is something that is not diving off of a cliff when I really can't afford to do that as a parent. That's one piece, but also I'll just say, you know,
I switched to ayahuasca and I did several ayahuasca ceremonies over the last couple of years. the last time I went, the medicine told me that I didn't need to come back. And I was deeply saddened by that because it was such a meaningful experience. I thought I would do it for the rest of my life. It's kind of a big part of my spiritual practice. And I'm still integrating that. So I'm still learning this lesson. But I think a big part of that was stop looking outside yourself.
And it was okay to do that for a while. I did get so much from my ceremonies, but the medicine basically at this point was like you've graduated to a level where you can find these things inside yourself and you will never be able to access you and all of who you are if you keep looking outside yourself. So for me, I do think on some level, if I kept doing it right now, it might be escape and escape.
Alexis (35:30.698)
And for me, the lesson is to dig down deep deeply and see how I can find these things in my own body without medicine support.
That's beautiful. And so obviously it helped to rewire the brain and that was part of the integration process. But I would love to know how has, how have they helped you specifically? Like, can you give some examples specifically of how it has helped you with the integration and with the rewiring of the brain that you have noticed in a day to day, moment to moment part of your life?
Yeah, I mean, one of my second psilocybin journey, I was feeling really worn down in life and feeling like everybody wanted something from me I was super drained and I didn't know how to take care of myself. So my intention for that journey was self-care. Like, I go in and can you put some band-aids on these wounds and help me feel better? And what happened instead was the mushrooms basically said, well, we could put band-aids on your wounds.
Or we could take this mountain of glass shards that you carry above your head that keep falling on you. We could take that and put that away. So for me, I was looking for this smaller, like, can you help me feel better? And my brain was rewired in a way where I realized that all these demands that I felt from other people weren't my burden. And so it, you know, it's like, for so long, I read, I read about boundaries. hear people, I hear podcasts about band boundaries. I practice setting boundaries. I'm trying to get there.
And then I did a guided psilocybin journey and all of a sudden my boundaries are just in my body. And all of a sudden I don't need to go, I just, it just happens. Like, can you, can you do this for me? No. And not without kindness, right? It's not, it's not a mad note. It's just, I just had such a clear vision of what's mine and what's in my sphere and what's not. And that was an example where it was like, you know, whatever I thought that journey might be.
Alexis (37:35.158)
it was bigger than what I thought it would be and it really shifted the way that I interacted.
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Thrive for myself, but I also use it on my clients and have seen it make incredible impacts in their overall gut health. Jump down into the show notes, hit the link for Just Thrive and make sure to use code TANZY15 to get 15 % off your entire order. Okay, let's get back to this conversation with Alexis. Let's dive back in.
that's so interesting. so, OK, so let's talk about the parts that start to come through. Let's talk about this pain. You know, when pain knocks at the door, there are probably certain parts, well, I will say there are certain parts that actually come to the door first. And I think it's going to probably look different for everybody. There might be the person that is trying to be successful and to push forward and to achieve, or maybe it's the person who's trying to put the fires out. Right.
Tansy (39:39.502)
How do you help those parts feel safe enough to allow the beauty to really come in and to not go into this overreaction response?
Alexis (39:57.838)
Can you tell me a little bit more about the overreaction? what would be an example of that be?
So I will say, I'll just, I'll use me as an example. If, okay. I had over the past course of five years, I've had a lot of grief in my own life. I have lost seven major souls in my world to death. It has been grief after grief after year after year, okay? And so,
As my body was trying to recalibrate each time and I could see this moment was coming forward and grief was going to knock on my door again. Immediately what I could feel when the pain was pushing through what I could feel was the protector just wanting to say, you're going to be fine. Just numb it all down. Just numb it. It's going to be okay. Just get through this.
And then that next role could come in. Or maybe it was that role within myself that said, all right, I'm going to come in. This is really hard, but I'm going to come in and I'm going to I'm going to extinguish all the fires that need to be extinguished. I'm going to take care of all of the details because we don't have time right now to not put out the fires. Sure. Does that make sense? Does that help? It does. OK.
Yeah, and I mean, first all, I'd say, you know, those parts are there for a reason. They have served us so well in the past and sometimes an overwhelm, you know, it's time to go turn on a show because we have too much going on. You know, that's the way we regulate until we can kind of catch up with the, with whatever capacity we are here for. We get to be where we are. And so for me, when my mom left, was, she went to rehab and when I, visited her and when we left,
Alexis (41:52.766)
I knew there was something in me that knew she's not coming back. We're not going to have this again. And so that I had this heartbreak that I couldn't carry myself. So my body dissociated to protect me because I couldn't handle it then. And my sense is that we wake up as we're ready to wake up. And it has taken me, you know, it was that voice in the woods in 2020 for me that said, okay, it's time to start looking at this now. Right? Like I wasn't ready until that moment. And so for me, there's an element of
trusting that we are going to cut ourselves off from the pain when we need to. But if you're noticing it, if you're willing to start listening, right? Because I think part of what you're probably talking about too is that sometimes we stay in that protective mode, that numbing mode, that we avoid things for longer than we ultimately would like. We want to move forward. Those things keep us stuck. So I think if we're feeling stuck and we're really ready to move forward and ready to feel the pain, then
It does take some work of observation and presence to understand what we're even avoiding. mean, these coping mechanisms can become, they're so automatic that they jump in there before you even realize you need a coping mechanism. They're so efficient. So you have these voices that are wanting to talk to you, but you're accustomed to reaching for sugar first, you go hang out with friends, you distract yourself, whatever you do. So when you're ready to slow that down and to start to listen more and to actually
process some of the grief, then it's taking those coping mechanisms off the table as much as we can, little by little, whatever we're ready for. But I'll do a week where I do no shows, no podcasts, my food gets really bland, no social interactions, just to start to let some of these voices, because you don't even know what you're missing. So when you take these things off the table, it gives them a chance to get through to you. If you're in the middle of deep grief, I feel like you know a lot.
what you've been through, I'm so sorry. mean, just that stuff is strong and there. And so that is, I imagine there's an element of like, how do I balance being present with this grief and also just getting through the day as a human being. So I can imagine that was less like, what could I be missing? And you knew what was there. If you're not in the middle of something so obvious and big, but you're still in these stuck places in your life, that's where I find getting really quiet helps these really nuanced, you know,
Alexis (44:18.03)
quieter voices get through to me and help me know about this pain that I had that I didn't realize I had.
I love that. It's really about decreasing the stimulation because already your nervous system is so stimulated, overstimulated by the grief, the trauma, the emotions, the pain. And it's really taking that stimulation out of the equation for a period of time and allowing your body to reset.
so that you can bring it back in and realize the goodness behind it. Am I reading that correctly?
Yeah, and I would say also, I mean, what would be really nice is what happens is until we're in touch with what's going on inside of us, we're not, we don't have the reins, right? We are being pushed and pulled based on the stuff that has control over us we don't even know that it has control over us. So if we can, like you said, do the reset, take things off the table, but then you can consciously bring them back in and say, okay, I'm willing to hear these voices and have a really quiet time, but now I'm feeling so much grief and I'm too close to the edge.
and I'm gonna turn on standup comedy because I need something to balance this out, right? Like we can't go do all this dark work and not have fun and joy and beauty in your life. And so for me, there is a consciousness to when I'm really in the depths of it, I need to laugh because I can't just be in the depths. I had this really terrifying psilocybin journey. My psilocybin journeys were all really, really dark. And this was an actually I did do by myself at home.
Alexis (45:52.678)
And at the end of it, the mushrooms said, do you want to see something dark? And I said, sure. Because by that time I had seen how much the darkness led to more light and I was all in. And they said, turn off the music. So I went and turned off the music and I went back to the couch and I had my eyes covered. I was just lying there on the couch and they said, you don't want to live.
And I was like, what? And they didn't say anything else. And I was like, is there more? say anything else. So I was lying there in silence and stillness. I felt like a corpse. And I was like, I have a kid. I can't not want to live. have to want to live. Like, you can't show me this. Tell me something else. that was like the mic drop of that journey. So I was left with this. And my guide, I ultimately connected with her and was like, what? What happened?
she helped me realize that this what? Like, right, my grandfather didn't want to live and my mother didn't want to, like, it may have been their emotions that I felt in my body because that happens. It may have been my own emotion that I felt in my body. I don't know whose it was, but it did help me realize that we are plants and if we're not getting enough nutrients, we will not survive. And so, and we won't want to live. And so I really renewed my dedication to.
joy and inspiration and celebration, all of these things, because for me, the darkness is there, the pain is there, it is always knocking for me to look at it and release it. But you can't do that dark heavy work without the balance of the goodness too. So like you said, it will unlock goodness, but until you get to that point, you've got to do whatever you need to do, have the support that you need, whether it's a guide or a therapist or a friend is a tether, whether it's stand-up comedy, you have to include the resources that will help you.
Get through it.
Tansy (47:43.714)
I got chills when you said that.
It's so creepy and sad. mean, I'm laughing about it. Thank goodness, right? This is where you get to laugh about these things. But it was really, I mean, it's really harrowing to go into this stuff sometimes.
Well, as you were talking, I was even thinking to myself, be it psychedelics or talk therapy, whatever the healing modality is, how do you recommend using them optimally so that you can allow for the room to expand for the beauty to come in? Do you know what I mean? Like some people might say, with psychedelics, it's great to sit and journal your experience and to allow that to come through in that way. But have you found other methods
regardless of what the therapy is or what the medicine is, to allow that space to open so that you can see the beauty right there at the door, ready to come in and also give it permission to.
Yeah, I mean, think that's where the stuff, it can feel magical. There's the arduous path to get there. But it can feel magical in the sense of in returning to surrender a little bit. You can't control when the beauty will present itself. But
Alexis (49:08.366)
For me, it's been a dedication to this path. Like you said, I journal, I meditate. I do all these things where I just kind of give it space. And the more I can surrender and let it take its course, the more beauty I think will be able to find its way. Because if I'm controlling it, mean, part of it is that we're limited based on our history. And my history is a pretty crappy one. So whatever I envision as beauty is not going to be what is actually possible.
So for me, it's like, can I let go of my tight grip and trust that this process will reveal something that makes it worth it? And also for me, worth it or not, it's just the path forward. Like the steps behind me are disappearing. I have to keep moving. This is the seeker's path, right? You're searching for truth. And the way to escape it is to numb. And I'm not going to go back to that. there's an element of you don't have a lot of choice.
once you've tasted it, but also you get to start to see this, like I've had the experience where I learned I was a writer. I've had the experience where I've, I've, you know, learned I was a singer and a dancer and found love in a way that I never thought was possible. I found love for myself in a way that I never thought was possible. So you do start to get these really beautiful gifts along the way that give you some, you know, support you're moving forward to go, okay, I'm going to, I'm going to go toward this because I know that it's, I know it's worth it. And I know that I'm.
freeing up more capacity in my body for more love and for more magic. like, you know, with your experience and you don't have a lot of, you don't have a lot of choice, right? There's just, there's just grief there. And, you know, I would say sometimes we don't really get that choice because it hits us so hard. And we also get to be unconscious to the extent that we're not ready. I mean, this is where I feel so
relieved this path has been so relieving for me because it's very much like you get to be where you are. And if there's some reason you're if you're resisting something, it's not a stop resisting and just do it. That's something to listen to and say, OK, this I'm really reluctant to go do this. Can I honor that reluctance? Right. Can I slow down and honor each each of these pieces? And there are times when I disregard my fear and I go forward and I find that there's I have more capacity than I thought it. Great. There are other times where I really
Alexis (51:33.89)
want to listen to the fear and say, OK, you're really fearful of this. Can I really just honor that? And it's those kind of just slowing down and honoring what's theirs, what I find moves things on their own, right? Then all I'm doing is accepting what is. If I need to be somewhere else, then I could say that's wrong, but I could also say, I honor that I really feel like I should be somewhere else. That's hard. Right? There's this way of slowing down and just being so sweet to wherever you are.
whatever your reactions are, and if you say, I don't want to quiet my life, you go, okay, I hear that. But at least you're having that conversation.
And I feel like accepting and not pushing it away all the time, just like that gentle acceptance, really helps to take a little bit of that fear off of the plate. Yeah. And too, you know, with the way that you explained that, it's those moments of beauty that I think really helped to propel you forward, almost like an inspiration, even if it's just like that little window, just...
Yeah, totally.
Tansy (52:42.61)
A brief moment. that's possible. Yeah.
Yeah, because it's bigger for me. It's all bigger than I ever imagined. I mean, on some level, it's what I imagined. It's what my dreams were. Right. And you get here and you go, my God, everybody's saying settle. You shouldn't dream. You know, like your whole life you're saying you're being told these things. Don't do this. And then you get there and you go, it was real this whole time. Magic is real this whole time. And it's so it's so incredible. But when you're back in the depths of it.
You know, I had this very recently where I was like, hated the universe. my path. And I really honored that as like, I needed to feel that. You the abandonment, like you were saying earlier, whether I was abandoned by my mom or other things, like I probably felt really abandoned by the universe to go into that experience, you know, coming into life. Like there are things where it's like, it was important for me to feel the anger with my path and the pain about this path and the...
you know, not believing it's worth it. It was important for me to be in that space without me saying, I promise it's worth it, right? That takes you out of the, out of the pain. And I think I needed to be in a, in a place where I just really hated everything. And then, then it gets to move through, but that's in my body. And so until I really feel it, it's stuck in my body.
which is part of that human experience, right? You know, it's incredible when we can get to the point where we can spiritually see that elevation and that expanded version of what we just experienced. But the reality is that we are living in this human body and we have to experience the emotions and what we go through as a human being.
Tansy (54:29.12)
in order to be able to expand into that next level of whatever spiritual evolution you are meant to experience, right?
Yeah, I I would, you know, I did these ayahuasca ceremonies every, I think a year ago, it's funny, the plans that you make that last for a second and then something else happens, but for a year I was like, okay, I'm gonna do it every three months. I'm gonna do two or three ceremonies every three months and you go for a weekend. So these are kind of consecutive nights. And I, in between the time,
In between two ceremonies, I would have a lot of hard stuff come up and I would think, gosh, it'll be really great to go work on this with the medicine, which we call Mother Aya. But in the meantime, how can I not go tear apart my life? Because if I have these big emotions that are really based on my childhood, but they feel like they're in my relationship and I want to go break up and do all these things, I would try to say, OK, what books can I read about awareness and about kind of seeing the emotion but not blending with it? What can I do in between now and then? And so I would read these things and it would help me be like,
there is anger versus like, I'm angry. Be like, I notice anger. And I would kind of have these things where I would really try to be very spiritual and have this awareness of the human emotion, but I'm not that emotion. And I'd kind of have this almost intellectual exercise. And then as soon as I got to ayahuasca, Mother Ayahuasca would take me deep into my body, into my human wounds. And so was always a little bit like, know, relieving and
just so different than at least what I had internalized as what I was supposed to do. She took me straight to, yeah, this was that time when this thing happened to you as a kid and it sucked. And it was like, it is about being human, right? It is not, it's not these two distinct pieces. It's not escaping being human. It's finding reality and truth and love in our human experience. I love that you said that.
Tansy (56:23.192)
Yeah, yeah. Well, for the listener who's afraid maybe to feel all these depths, to feel what's underneath, to really see the wounds for what they are, what would you say directly to the part that's terrified of being overwhelmed and being in the depths of something that feels out of control?
Yeah, I mean, that's where, again, the first thing for me always is to say, I feel that we're terrified. Are you you're so scared. You're really worried it's going to be so overwhelming or you're you're overwhelmed. I really hear that. Like one time I had this thing where I was so sad and I was so overwhelmed and I yelled at the universe to like show me the sign that I'm not alone. And I said, basically, could be as I walk by the
coffee shop, someone hands me a free cupcake. Or as I walk by the pet food store, someone hands me a free puppy. I was so mad and overwhelmed. So I go on this walk, I do not get any cupcakes or puppies. And I ultimately connected with my guide who said, this is a part, you need to manage her exposure to her triggers. So there's an element of like, I really notice, can I be both the part that's feeling all of this intensity, but also this kind of parental part that says,
OK, I'm going to make sure you don't get overwhelmed. And I'm going to make sure that because for me it was like, can't read that text exchange again right now. You're already so sad. It's not helping you. You need to take a break. So it can be that you set those boundaries. It can also be that you find the resources that you need to surround you when you're willing to look at the pain or when you want to look at the pain. So for me,
I didn't have my guide like for that psilocybin journey. I didn't have her there with me, but she was on call. I knew that it would help me to know I'm not going to be in this alone if I get into a tricky part. So just really honoring the fear there and resourcing yourself so that you can step into that as you're ready. Whatever we do, it has to be digestible. And anything over that is overwhelmed, and we can't do anything with overwhelm. So to really...
Alexis (58:36.928)
manage our own triggers. The triggers are, I know now that triggers are gifts. So it's not something to avoid unless we want to consciously avoid it because it's too much right now, right? We don't have to, it's not responsible to go throw yourself into a war zone if you're not, you know, if you're not protected enough. So it is taking those, tangible steps that you can take as you're ready and really honoring that. And
And if part of you is impatient about that, like everybody else has figured out, you know, why do I have to take it slowly to really be sweet to that part and go, yeah, I can see how frustrated you are. Because the reality is for me and for many people who've gone through lots of traumas, I have all these different parts. And some are really impatient and want to keep growing. And others are really, you know, desperately trying to avoid the pain that was so terrible for them. Like when I was in the thick of getting to know myself during this phase of life, my
husband, my ex-husband had moved out of the house and I was really loving all the growth because I felt stuck for so long. And I remember one night I climbed into bed after my son went to sleep and I was like, oh goody, I get to know myself more. And these parts were like, we're watching a movie tonight. We're not digging into pain. We're not doing this shit again. So, you know, we have these different pieces and the loudest one typically wins. We just listen to who needs us the most, which part of us.
and we go tend to them.
was even funny. We're hysterical. We're hysterical. I'm over here laughing when you were saying about, I want a free puppy and I want a free cupcake. I have done that so many times where I'm like, this is what I want you to give to me. And if I don't get it, then I'm going to feel like you're not listening to me. And then I don't get it. And then like, and I feel so frustrated. Like you're not listening to me. When in reality, when I step back and like,
Tansy (01:00:36.392)
No, I'm being heard, but I'm being also given what I need to have right now. And it's not always about control. It's about what I need at that moment. So us humans are hysterical because we really try to control so much when in reality, the healing, the real healing, the real level of beautiful alignment comes from
Yeah.
Tansy (01:01:05.492)
not necessarily having control. And by the way, I'm speaking to myself right now. I am truly speaking to my soul and trying to remember. Hey Tansy, remember this, right?
Yes.
Alexis (01:01:14.892)
Totally. I mean, it's just how we've lived our lives. It's how we keep ourselves safe. So again, it's one of those words like you can really be sweet to the part that wants to control and to say, yeah, it's really scary to start letting go. And again, we don't have to let go of everything all at once. yeah, it is really scary. And I love what you said there. You know, I've heard the phrase, you don't get what you don't need. And so many times I haven't gotten what I thought I needed. And then I realize, OK, I guess I can do this.
I guess I'm big enough for this and that's frustrating in the moment, but also really heartening. It's like, wow, okay, I guess this is something that I can handle.
Yeah. Well, you've talked a few times about your relationship, your ex-husband. Let's talk about divorce co-parenting, especially when it comes to love and bringing that in. mean, that's a lot that's going on. What new definition of love did you have to practice to make that possible? And what daily boundary or ritual keeps you centered and intact for your child?
Alexis (01:02:25.834)
You know, you were talking earlier on in the conversation about how we're all kind of coming at things from different directions and we're here to learn different lessons. And I also just want to say appreciation for what I heard you say in another podcast where it's like the five keys to happiness over here and the eight keys to success over here. really, we are the only ones who knows what's right for us. I was one time on a call with thousands of women, some program that I was a part of.
And this guy got on there and said, the key to happiness is serving other people. And I was just almost in laughter. was like, I bet this call is largely people who are people pleasers and actually need to redefine their language of service. For me, I always served other people, but it was out of obligation or fear or kind of trying to avoid worst case scenarios or avoid my own feeling of pain about my suffering and other suffering. So for me, I've had to find my way to a different
definition and we get to just, just, you know, there's so much about trusting yourself and what you need to know because others don't know that for you. So I just want to, you know, throw that out there. But for my relationship with my co-parent, I mean, I think that there was, there were a couple of things. One is that my son is my North star. So whatever my ex-husband and I did, I, you know, read the literature. did all this stuff to be like,
this is what he needs and so this is what we're gonna do, right? Like what he needs is not to carry our tension. And so we're never gonna bring that to him. But also because I had done so much rapid healing with the psychedelics and so much deep grief work so quickly, there was so much pain that came up about my relationship with my ex-husband and I saw how much of it related to my mother and how much I looked to him to make basically heal me, which was not gonna be possible.
I saw all the stuff that I brought to the relationship. So I had so much tenderness for his experience in that, for how he felt on the receiving end of that for all these years where I brought too much to him. I was asking him for too much. And so I just had the forgiveness piece.
Alexis (01:04:41.006)
I don't even know if need to call it forgiveness, but just kind of seeing the truth of it, where it's like, he was doing the best he could. I was doing the best I could. I could just really honor where we both were. So for me, there was a very quick transition to, what can we do to support both of us as the parents of the son that we both love, you know, unspeakably? How can I be supportive of my ex-husband? And what do I need? And how can we move forward with that loving energy? And so I really set the stage for both of us in that way.
I would just say, you know, it wasn't a marriage of, there wasn't betrayal. wasn't, there wasn't a lot of the stuff that people are dealing with in divorce. Ours was a very loving, supportive divorce. Still painful, of course, because there was a huge loss there in lots of ways. But co-parenting with, with my ex-husband has been mostly really a dreamy scenario because he's a good guy and he's, you know, we're both willing to put our son's interests above ours and
and we kind of come together as a team for that.
Which goes right into saying that that love in any form never really looks the same for any dynamic and that is and that it's it's about again kind of coming back to healing some of those Shadows and those wounds and those pains so that you can love fully and be able to know what expression of love is important for you What expression of love and fulfillment is important for you in your dynamic?
Yeah.
Tansy (01:06:10.156)
And so even thinking about love in general, let's even let's turn it just maybe 180 degrees and look at self love now. And so I feel like self love, that whole concept just gets thrown around so much. I would love to know on a random Tuesday when the story in your head is just so darn loud and you're not feeling very kind to yourself, maybe not feeling kind to others, but especially not to yourself.
What is your gentlest interrupt that you would suggest? How would you suggest somebody just really says, step back, it's okay, breathe?
Yeah, I mean, this is where I think going back to the internal family systems and parts work, when we reframe our emotion as something that happened to a young version of us, it's a lot easier to be sweet to that young person than it is to our grownup person who should have figured all this out and is, you know, totally screwed up or whatever. So for me, I think because I had done so much work with parts work and in the integration of the psychedelic sessions, that was very much the focus. When I have a
painful part or even, you when I have a critical voice, go, that's a part of me that's trying to keep me safe or that really had a terrible experience in this way growing up. So for me, it's just, having every piece that comes up, every sensation, every emotion is something that's, that's asking for help. That's asking for support. So, and, and I, I do think, you know, like I was saying, we're all here to learn different lessons. think I'm sweeter to myself than.
There's although sometimes I'm like, wow, I didn't know that voice was so present. I didn't hear it until now. But I think for me, recharacterizing that energy as a younger part of ourselves, putting your hand on your heart or on your belly and just going, OK, I hear you. And for me, parts work started years ago with my therapist who just told me that I had a young Alexis in me. I thought at the time, I thought it was super awkward. was like, I'm too there's two versions of me. Like, what do you mean?
Alexis (01:08:21.453)
But I kind of just was willing to give it a try. So again, these are practices where you develop the muscle. And as I started to put my hand on my heart and talk to this little Alexis who had this tenderness, then I actually got, it softened me toward that part. And then the part also became more trusting of me. Like it was a relationship that I started to develop. And after doing all these psychedelics, I just started to realize, oh, I have 20 little Alexis's with very nuanced needs. And so it's more complex there, but.
Parts work for me has been really instrumental in that kindness toward myself.
And like an onion, like you just said, you just said that you learned that there was a little Alexis, but then you learned that there was like 20 little Alexis's, right? And it's really, I think the one that steps forward is the one that needs the attention or that hug a little bit more than the other ones. And so I'm, curious, cause as you were saying that I'm like,
Oh, I know which one needs the most from me just because when I think about little Tansy, certain age comes up and I can see her so palpable on my tongue. Like she is just right there. And for me, that's age eight. I don't know. I'm not sure yet why. I don't know why. I would share if I did, but I don't know. But age eight Tansy comes forward. What about for you? When you first started that, how old?
Yeah.
Tansy (01:09:50.626)
was little Alexis.
Alexis (01:09:55.608)
You know, I think I have a pretty even distribution of little Alexis's, but I think it was easier for me to relate to the littlest ones first, right? So when I was born, my mom had post-partum depression, which I don't know would have had a long-term effect, except for then she had depression and addiction, know, then things unraveled. So I can have this real sweetness for a bit. I mean, also it's just, it's easier to be sweeter to younger versions of things, you know?
Puppies and baby animals are the cutest and baby humans are the least bothersome or whatever. The ones who can't really do anything wrong. So I think for me there was an easier time relating to baby Alexis and six-year-old Alexis and these younger ones. And so kind of in the ones that I can access more easily and the ones that had more basic needs that weren't met than.
it's almost like those were kind of round one. And I think round two is probably as I got older, understand, know, as I looked like a teen who was doing fine outwardly, right? Who was successful in school and who was, you know, had a great social, like all that stuff. I think it's taking more time to really get into that person who's probably tighter, you know, things were buried by then. The emotions were fully.
under lock and key. And so it is taking more time probably to develop some trust with those parts to really let them say, yeah, it sucked, right? What I went through sucked and I didn't. Because also, right, you kind of don't know what you don't know. And so life events can trigger you. Like my son's nine and I can imagine when he's a teenager and I realize, this is where I was and when I didn't have a mother and...
that will help me understand better what I needed then. But for the longest time, because I didn't have a mom, my intellectual thought was that it didn't matter. Like didn't know what I wasn't missing. And when really it was caused all sorts of deep, deep wounds. So it's just, think that there's probably more complexity and more trust that's being required for the older parts of me that are in there.
Tansy (01:12:07.822)
As you were talking, I was reminded and I can't remember who this was. This was a long time ago. I can't remember who it was. So I can't give credit to this person. I remember when they were talking about healing inner child work. One really effective way is to find a picture of that timeframe and to bring that forward and just allow it to be.
Allow yourself to connect in and just allow your heart, your heart to expand, not that you have to fix this part of you, but just allow your heart to connect and to give love again.
Yeah, I like that. And I think there's so many practices in that way where it's like, it's not an intellectual exercise where you're going and saying, OK, well, this happened here, so I must have felt this, right? It's bringing a picture which will evoke something in your body. Or it's meditating or relaxing your body and feeling the sensations that come up when you think about this event that happened to you. There's all this somatic, non-brain.
work that you can do that really helps you connect to those younger parts. I like that idea with the picture.
Yeah. Alexis, tell us about your book, Pain is a Portal to Beauty. How does, yes, beautiful. How does your book really help people to dive into everything we talked about today and to help bring healing and forward movement in their lives?
Alexis (01:13:42.882)
Yeah, I mean really pain and pain is a portal to beauty as a memoir. So that's really told in story form. And I think that's just the way the book came out of me. But also really meant to honor that this is my path and someone else's path will, you know, is it can look very different, but we can find courage in each other's story and we can find certainly I share like that. It's basically a front row seat as I'm as I'm dismantling my life and finding these new pathways forward. So it takes you through.
you know, the voice in the woods through the dismantling of my life and then the psychedelics and then finding new love, which is a big part of the book because like you said, that, you know, in relationship is where these triggers, where these things can happen that help you get clear in a way that being in isolation, you know, you can do so much work in isolation, but when you're in relationship with someone, gives you all the material. So it's just a really hopeful story. You know, it's, it's honest in the sense that the work's not done.
And, you know, I have a chapter called Finding a Man, because, you know, it's like the story is not that I found a man. On some level it is, because that was always a dream of mine was to be in a loving partnership, but really it's about finding myself. And as I have felt the pain in my life, I've awakened myself again, and I've gotten to know myself again, and it's just been a very special journey. So I think that it is just a hopeful, really loving...
message that came through me and that is really about we get to be where we are and isn't that a wonderful thing?
And I know I've said this in podcasts before, even recently, but I'll reiterate it. I love, I love quote unquote healing books, self-help books, whatever you want to put those quotations around that are in story and novel form. Because to me, humans, we are storytellers and we heal through storytelling. And so being able to connect into other people's stories and their journeys is such a beautiful way.
Tansy (01:15:48.716)
to merge and cement that information deep within yourself through real experiences and opening up in that learning. Love it.
Yeah, I do too. I also, and I also just think, you know, I, as I have been on this path, I realized how much stronger I am than I thought I was and how much more capable I am than I thought I was. And so I would look to these external sources and I might give them good credit to external sources for my growth, but really I have found my way because we all have that in ourselves. And so for me also, there's this thing to story where it's like the reader, I trust the reader, right? The reader is going to find their way and they're going to pull the pieces out that are good for them.
they're gonna pull the pieces out that resonate with them and put those little pieces in their own puzzle. so that's, think, a really exciting thing for me is like, we are all so incredibly capable and really, it's just very special for me to be a part of anybody else's journey, but mine alone has been really lovely, hard and amazing.
Before we go into some of our rapid fire questions and really get into the fun, the fun quick answers, I'm curious. For the listener that feels stuck in that hallway right now, they're no longer who they were. They're not yet who they're becoming. What is the tiniest winnable step that you'd invite them to take today to help them feel like they're moving towards that door?
Yeah, that is a hard place to be. So first of all, cheers to that person. I mean, it's a hard place to remain. And they won't remain there. They won't remain there. They will move through. But it is a brave, brave place to be between our old life and what we're becoming. And so really, all of the stuff we've talked about, about just continuing to stay connected to our emotions and to what we're needing, finding that balance and
Alexis (01:17:55.458)
I mean, for me, that kind of void, nothingness, no consolation is a time. Like that's when my sitcom and stand-up comedy stuff rises up because you just, it really isn't, there's an element of how can I stay here and not go to avoid this? Because if you stay there, then, you know, they say it's darkest before dawn, it's coming. This incredible beauty that you've not known before is coming if you can stay there. So there's an element of, can you know that?
and stay where you are and do anything you need to do to give yourself breaks, to find that laughter and humor. When I was in the depths of this, after my husband moved out, I was in nature all the time, going on hikes, going for runs in the forest, getting on the river, whatever I could do to be fed by Mother Nature, because Mother Nature's here to hold us.
So anything you can do to just really support yourself. I went to dance class, went, you know, moving your body, finding laughter, because it's really a time of you're doing such deep work, which is, you know, is incredible and you will be out of it. But while you're there, do whatever you need to do to support yourself.
I that. I love that. So simple, but yet it can feel so hard, especially when you're just in the midst of the journey, but beautiful advice. Love it. All right. It is rapid fire question time. Let's get to know you a little bit deeper. Remember these three questions are just right off the top of your head. No deep thinking allowed, Alexis. Okay. All right. Okay. Number one.
Finish this sentence. I feel more beautiful when I stopped.
Alexis (01:19:48.332)
God, when I stopped.
God, know the top of my head, Tanzi, I'm like the worst at these things. So this is how get to know me. I feel more beautiful when I stopped caring what other people thought.
That's a good one. I think a lot of us need that. That's good. All right, number two. What's your 90 second rescuer? Maybe it's breath work, maybe it's song, maybe it's a sentence, but something that you use to reset on the spot.
to reset on the spot, I put my hand on my heart and just sink into whatever sensation I'm Turn off my brain.
Sounds like you get into your body. Yeah, ooh, that's good, that's good. All right, last question. Okay. What is a book, a place, or a ritual that always brings you back to yourself?
Alexis (01:20:53.107)
I mean, being with trees.
trees specifically.
trees. I've, you know, I heard the voice in the woods. I get my guides. I don't know if I'm a guide. I feel very human. Like other people see gargoyles and they're in the dragon realms and all these things. And I'm like, I'm just human and doing a lot of healing work. And so for me, it is very much like I'm here on this earth. And that's where I get my wisdom is from plants.
Alexis, where can people find you? Where are you hanging out? Where can they get your book? And what do you got going on your work right now?
Well, so my website is alexislee.com and I'm starting to do these podcasts. really, my book is sold everywhere online. So it's Pain is a Portal to Beauty. then yeah, for now I'm doing podcasts and I am, the second book is starting to take some shape, meaning it's starting to want to be written. I've not started writing it, but that's what.
Alexis (01:22:00.482)
That's what seems to be next for me, is more writing.
I love it. Well, I will drop all of those links down into the show notes to make sure that you can get right into Alexis's world and connect in with her even deeper. Do you have any last words that you would like to lay on the hearts of the listeners for today?
I just would say I so honor everyone's journey. think that everyone is so incredibly strong. And I really hope that for all of us, we can find space in our heart to just be with where we are and to love it. I think so much of self-help says you should be somewhere else. But the more I discover, the more I realize I should be exactly where I am. And it's such a relief. So I wish that relief for everybody.
What a beautiful piece of advice. Thank you so much, Alexis, for being here. Thank you for the work that you're doing and how you're sharing your heart. And thank you for inspiring us to go through the painful pieces because we all need to be there at some point in order to heal at our greatest. Thank you.
Thank you, Tansy. This was so much fun.
Tansy (01:23:13.522)
Mmm, such good stuff. As we land in this together, I want to ask you just a few questions to help carry you into the week, to help carry you forward and connect into this conversation with Alexis Leigh today. Where is pain asking you to pause and what tiny kindness could you offer that part today? Which practice feels doable this week?
And then finally, if beauty were on the other side of this, what would today's next right step look like for you?
You can find Alexis Leigh and her book, Pain is a Portal to Beauty down in the show notes. And remember, if gifting season is already chattering in your head, add your person to wish and tell so you get exactly what you want without the stress. Thank you so much for being here with your brave beating heart. Thank you so much for being vulnerable and opening up to this conversation. And thank you so much for the work that you're doing in this world.
And until next time, keep spreading that beautiful energy you were born to share.
